Queefing: The Other Fart No One Wants to Talk About

So I went about my usual research to find out what the women and the men of the world think about queefing.

I wondered if there is in fact something we can do to assist in decreasing the potential of it occurring. You know, to save some of us gals from mortifying embarrassment. I was oddly surprised when I read the word “queef” is the slang term for “vaginal flatulence” and its origin is likely imitative.

Meaning that the word ‘Queefing’ stems from the sound an actual fanny fart makes.

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I don’t know about anyone else, but a fanny fart to me sounds like the release of a fully inflated balloon. Queefing seems more like the noise the balloon makes when you have complete control over the opening and stretch it out gently releasing that painfully annoying high pitched sound. A little more dainty than the actual reality of a fanny fart if you ask me but hey, I’ll run with it.

The good old ‘muff puff’ is one of those noises that can turn super-hot sex from ‘passionate and pleasurable’ to ‘mood killed’ in an instant. It’s not something that happens often, but when it does it can be difficult to get past. What do you do exactly? I mean should you laugh? Should you curl up into a ball and die of embarrassment? Do you acknowledge it at all or, just pretend like it didn’t happen? Arghhhhhh! So many questions!

Regardless of how you react to a fanny fart, it’s an unfair and awkward side effect of sexual intercourse that is completely natural and extremely common. A queef occurs when your vagina releases a build-up of air usually caused by the penetration and release of your man’s penis. Basically, put your partner pulls out too far and ushers air into your vagina hole. When done rigorously the air accumulates and eventually at some stage during or after intercourse the woman lets out a ripper vart and then dies on the inside from severe humiliation.

The upside of queefing is it has no smell. Once the air has escaped from your vagina you don’t have to worry about a nasty odour following. Because a queef is air and not gas from your intestine, it should have no smell. If it does, however, you should really see your doctor. There could be other issues going on and the fanny farting you thought was normal could actually be cause for medical concern. But otherwise, it’s really just the noise that makes us uncomfortable.

I also found that’s it’s mostly women who are concerned about the vart. Men usually couldn’t care less what noises escape the grandest canyon, especially when they’re about to nut. So chill.

Disassociate your pussy pop with the blart that comes from your anus and embrace your fanny fart as par for the course. Every woman fanny farts and in normal circumstances the man really won’t care at all. So long as you are participating in something that results in an orgasm, your man is unlikely to be anything but excited.

If you are overly concerned about letting out a Queef, there are a couple of things you can do to help minimise the chances, apparently.

Although everyone is different, sex positions such as ‘doggy style’ or anything involving the woman bending over, lend themselves to a higher potential for a fanny fart occurring. Apparently sexual positions that involve the woman being upside down is also off-limits if you want to keep your ninny toot to yourself. I don’t know what kind of sex ya’ll having, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in an upside-down position and actually really fucking proud of anyone who has done this.

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I didn’t think I was all that vanilla in the bedroom, until I started writing about sex. As it turns out I’m quite literally on the dull side and after the research, I’ve done realised that’s exactly how I like it. But regardless, everyone is different and what may increase the chances of queefing for some women, may not for others. It’s basically down to the individual and if you learn about your body you will work out what positions best suit intercourse that don’t induce your fanny fart potential.

Pelvic floor exercises are also said to help with decreasing the likelihood of the famous fanny fart. This isn’t 100% proven, but given the research it says post-baby, women are more likely to experience vaginal flatulence. Which is why these exercises help.

This is absolutely caused for concern. Why, if our vagina’s return to their original state as expressed by every doctor and nurse would I experience an increase in queefing after my baby? I feel like somebody was lying to me. Why not just be honest and say that no vagina can survive 3 kids and 36 years on the planet. R.I.P my little pink canoe.

Plenty of lubricant is also said to decrease the chances of a fanny fart.

Apparently, when using lubricant it sort of fills the areas in which the air could normally be ushered in. This way it creates a seal in your vagina like a flexible wall that moves with the thrusting. Remember lubricants are foreign to your vagina and may not always agree with your lady parts. It’s a sensitive area and you need to ensure you choose one that suits your body and doesn’t cause any irritation.

Other than that, there really isn’t much else you can do. It’s basically down to accepting a fanny fart is inevitable and you’re going to have to address it at some point during your life.

So what should you do? Mid-way through rigorous lovemaking and passionately playing out those 50 shades scenes, your meat taco will 100% fail you and let out a fanny fart. You will immediately stop thrusting because you’ll have completely lost your rhythm and no amount of ignoring it will get you past the noise your magic flower just expelled.

Instead of blushing, apologising or feeling uncomfortable, I say embrace it.

Your partner is pushing the air in there, so it’s technically his fault anyway. Women need to start giving less fucks about the noise their vagina makes. It shouldn’t matter how your body reacts when expelling unwanted air and everything about maximising your pleasurable participation. You can laugh if you want too because farts are funny. But please, stop feeling awkward.

Remember, even the Queen would have busted a toot from her meat taco at some point…

So neither will your man and you never know, he may even just like it.