100 Most Epic Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris. A man of legends and ads for fitness equipment.

You’ve heard the Chuck Norris jokes going around…. yeah, they are good… But these ones, they are truly the best of the best! Enjoy!

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That’s why there is no sign of life.

Some magicians can walk on water.  Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity.  Twice.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

There is no theory of evolution.  Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allowed to live.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

Aliens are real.  They are just hiding from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t fold paper aeroplanes, he folds aeroplanes into paper.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made out of real cowboys.

Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man.  That man is Superman.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

It takes 20 minutes for Chuck Norris to watch 60 minutes.

When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onions cry.

Chuck Norris’ email address is [email protected]

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, Chuck Norris makes apple sauce.

Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.

Chuck Norris’s GPS never tells him to turn around.

When Chuck Norris lost his first tooth, the Tooth Fairy put it under her pillow.

Chuck Norris’ dog is a Velociraptor.

Chuck Norris can speak French, in Russian.

A bullet-proof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his Mother home from the hospital.

Big Foot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd.  No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apples tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It is called the ‘Guiness Book of Records’.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s Secret.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Some kids piss their name into the snow.  Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table.

Chuck Norris once urinated into a semi’s petrol tank as a joke.  That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.

Chuck Norris protects his bodyguards.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing is underpants on the outside of his pants.

Google won’t’ search for Chuck Norris because it knows that you don’t find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t have teddy bears.  He had real bears.

Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands.  Now they are pregnant.

Chuck Norris can walk on water.  He’s not a God, the water is just afraid of getting him wet.

Chuck Norris is danger’s middle name.

Bacon’s favourite smell is Chuck Norris.

While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride, and accident won the Tour de France.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as ‘You Know Who’.

Chuck Norris can make scissors beat rock.

Chuck Norris donated his heart to a hospital – twice.

The Statue of Liberty is alive, but Chuck Norris told her not to move.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Chuck Norris symbol.

Chuck Norris can arrive anywhere without actually leaving.

Chuck Norris’s blood type is AK-47.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.  Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris invented black.  In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light.  Except pink.  Tom Cruise invented pink.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard, and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin’ about!

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery.  It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes.  They taste like chicken.

Everyone loves Raymond.  Except Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris’s beard can type at 140wpm.

Chuck Norris doesn’t get up in the morning, put on his boots and gets ready for work.  He gets up expecting his boots to already be on whilst his work gets ready for him.

On his 16th birthday, Chuck Norris turned 21 and could legally drink.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Alcohol has a Chuck Norris problem.

In space, Chuck Norris can hear you scream.

The dinosaurs crossed Chuck Norris once.  Once!

There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris’ keyboard.  Chuck Norris is always in control.

Behind Chuck Norris’ beared there is no chin, there is only another fist.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix cube, and crap it out solved.

Do you have more jokes that know Chuck Norris?