Please note before reading: my sarcastic tone could not be tamed writing this post.

I was recently scrolling through some articles when I found one about what turns on a guy sexually about a girl. Apparently it’s not just the fact that you are female – so silly of me to think that was the attraction. So ladies take note – after reading this you can actually, according to the article, turn him on with ‘slight effort.’ Who would have ever guessed that a man could be so simply turned on? *cough!*

How To Turn On Your Man: Some Easy Steps

The first suggestion is to pull out some skimpy clothes and flash some skin when he least expects it. So simple! I’m sure you probably never thought a naked female body would do it for him? Now, I can just imagine you all running through lounge rooms all over Australia in your trench coats flashing a surprise nudie. This promises to leave him wanting more – a bit of advice; don’t stand in front of the TV”¦you might not get the response you were looking for.

Next try lingering touches. The article suggests a guy loves it and it does not have to be sexual as long as it – and I quote – ‘tingles’. So next time you’re walking through to the kitchen and he’s sitting in his chair, give him a tap around the ear on the way past, it will definitely give him that ‘tingle’, if not a ringing, in his ears that’s so desired.

Close proximity – this one makes me laugh – what man wants his woman right beside him all the time, unless it’s for sex? I am totally sure no guy is actually going to be weird-ed out by having you up in their grill, no not at all – perfectly normal. I’m sure he’s going to want to be with someone who seems clingy and needy and all up in his personal space.

Next a girl that flirts – a guy is apparently drawn to a floozy that can lead him on with a twinkle in her eye – it can make him “feel like a man” LOL! Sorry. So come on girls, stroke his ego and bat those eye lashes with a giggle – it’s a winner

Number five suggests you be sexual confident. A man loves a woman to dominate him, but then – as if the article can’t decide – it throws in number six; A girl who’s not sexually confident – and they say women can’t make up their mind.

The list goes on stating twenty odd ways ranging from the occasional boob grazing him, to your stiff nipples pointing him in the right direction. So ladies, the long and short of it is, to turn on that man in your life is to: stand close, flash him with your stiff nipples, while wearing your sexy lingerie and high heels (stripper height), brush your tits against him for that lingering touch, giggle and flirt with a twinkle in your eye, be confident, then pull back and be shy, accidently kiss him, while sitting on his lap, invite your friend over and give her a kiss – they love two women – be turned on yourself, let him know your wet and by this stage he should be straining in his pants. And to think this only took a few minutes!

So, if you have been doing this all wrong all these years, you now know where you were going wrong and you’ll be right in no time with my guide!