In The Realm Of The Senses

I have a reputation in our house of always, without fail, picking shit movies. I don’t do it on purpose. I just seem to be incapable of selecting one that every enjoys and at the end says ‘that was brilliant!’ Instead I get looks of ‘what the hell was that? I’ve just wasted two hours of my life I’ll never get back!’

I must admit I’m often sucked in by the title, I mean who wouldn’t want to watch a film with the title ‘Dogging’. Apparently not too many others. I also like foreign films, an acquired taste, but some hate to spend the whole movie reading. I quite like them – maybe it makes me feel cultured. I promise it has nothing to do with all the sex.

So while on the rare chance I was allowed the remote I flicked through the movie channels and found on World Movies a Japanese film, ‘In the Realm of the Senses’. I read the info to see it had been banned for 20 years in Japan! So yes the curiosity got the better of me. I assumed it couldn’t be too bad because the Japanese always are so polite. Oh god how wrong could I be?

When I tuned in, a man was putting his hand between the lady’s legs beside him, only for her to say ‘No. I have my period.’ His response? He then put his finger in his mouth. Yuck! (I’m sure we just all said that out loud together). I’m with you – so gross but I was drawn to keep watching. There is a dark side to me. Also, the movie had got the attention of the others in the room and I thought maybe I had finally cracked it with my cultured films? Then again maybe not. Turns out the chick is a geisha who falls in love with a married man. I’m not sure she’s actually in love with the man but rather his cock. She is obsessed with it if she isn’t taking it for a walk – and I mean she was literally walking the man around by his dick – she’s got at least one set of her lips on it.

You see it all. I’m kind of feeling like I’ve stumbled on a badly made porno. This woman can’t get enough. The movie was made in the seventies so there’s definitely been know vagazaling happening its all proper bush.

I’m like a moth being drawn to the light – I can’t turn away, I’ve even picked up a Japanese accent as I read the subtitles in my head. I’ve also decided that I’m laying off the Asian inspired food for a few weeks after watching the man dip his food on his chop sticks into the lady’s bits for extra flavour, then eat it. I’m just as happy with soya sauce really. As for eggs – I’ll never look at a hardboiled egg quite the same and I have a lot more respect for chickens. This movie just took food sex to a whole new level.

You feel like telling her to settle down! I was sure she was going to break her lady bits, the she started going a little more off the rails. She wanted to cut off his penis so she could have it all the time. What the? Super wrong. The film got the better of me and I ended up switching it off.

So I can’t spoil the ending of it for you and it’s definitely not a film for everyone. But it did give us a few shocked giggles and that’s probably what will stick in our minds. Oh, and I’m banned from the remote again.