So I’ve always had a love of any type of dancing; I like to get lost in the music. So when a friend suggested we go to try a salsa class I jumped at the chance. Plus I liked the idea of sexy dancing and getting swept off my feet, by some dark stranger. Haven’t we all seen dirty dancing? “Nobody puts baby in the corner”. I’m a romantic what can I say!?

After going for a couple of weeks, I partnered up a few time with this guy who could really dance, a real smooth mover and the best part was he looked south American too, so I was convinced in my mind I was having the total salsa experience. That was until he open his mouth and had a Aussie accent. Never mind! For the purpose of my fantasy, I’ll imagine a Spanish accent and roll with that.

This guy asked me if, after next week’s class, I wanted to go grab something to eat. I am telling you this dance class thing was going from strength to strength! He was really nice, or so he seemed, and we would have a bit of flirty banter. I could feel the spice between us as we salsa’d the night away. That line sounds so naff!. Anyway, in my mind, I’d already sorted the wedding dance. I’m keen what can I say. Fingers crossed.

So we had our meal, which I can’t say was all that memorable, but he invited me back to his flat for a drink. Well, we all know what the term “for a drink” really means; sex! I mean, this guy could move on the dance floor, he had rhythm, and that was what I was hoping was going to cross over to the bedroom. We started kissing passionately, he was a bit on the grabby side but I could deal with that. All was going well, I lay just in my bra, him using his fingers and starting to go down on me. I was getting lost in that delicious moment, I remember him saying something but I was just concentrating on me.

But I said “yes”, something I will never say ever again to something I don’t fully hear because, at that moment, he took to his knees. Then like a man with a garden hose, he decided to use me as a urinal. He knelt and peed on me! Yes the elusive golden shower! I felt the warm liquid hit my body and, absolutely horrified, I screamed and cam rolled of the bed, falling to the floor. I was scrambling for my clothes, I needed to get out! Oh my god, what had possessed him to piss on me!?! That wasn’t what my red hot Latin lover was meant to do? Maybe throw rose petals on me, but not water the bloody garden. I was out the door quick; I’m not your athletic type but at that particular moment I think I broke the land speed record while trying to get my clothes on as I went. Chivalry was dead, let’s say he didn’t follow me down the stairs. Which probably was a good option as I wouldn’t have been able to say anything due to complete shock! The worst of it was, I hadn’t driven and I had to call my mum for a lift! While I waited under a lamp post, I hoped no one would think I was a prostitute but that was the least of my worries because I smelt more like a Spanish man’s toilet than sex for sale.

Needless to say, I’ve never jumped in the shower so quick and I never returned to that salsa class again.