The Bachelor’s Dark Date Disaster

As the inquisition of the intruders continues in the lounge of the Ladies Lair, the original gangstas are smiling through their teeth.

Quiff-tastic Osh Kosh swings by and drops a couple of date cards.

Sneezy Parmigiana reads out the clue, ‘The Sweetest Day of All.’

“Roll me in chocolate and throw me to The Bachelor!” Jokes Heather.

Sure enough, the date is for Heather, as she gushes her girliest gush.

Lana reads out the next date card which has everyone on it and it’s signed off by Osher.

Even Sam is in the dark, he explains to the girls”¦

Dating In The Dark

Picking five of the seven ladies, he leaves behind Heather and Sarah.

Blindfolds on, they awkwardly make their way to be seated at a dining table laid out.

And it’s all downhill from there. More wine was spilled than drunk, and there were noodles flung far and wide eliciting much screeching from Sneezy, Nina and Elbow.

“I just find it really annoying.” says Rachel with a furled upper lip. Pot, kettle, black?

At least no one could see her resting bitch face.

Lana, moving fast, has already started flirtatiously feeding The Wood, probably copping a cheeky grope under the table. Is that your elbow?

The other girls have cottoned on, flinging the daggers in the dark!

Alone Time

An outfit change sees The Bachelor and Lana head up to the penthouse. They must be going to get it on, because there’s a twinkly musical score in the background as they talk about how much they want to fondle each others bits. It’s the subcontext of their feely feelings chat about how they’ve made such a connection.

What no pash? Slipping Wood!

Chocolate Factory

Thumbing on the side of the road, Heather is picked up by The Bachelor in an ice cream van. Squealing with delight, they make their way to a wonderland of chocolate.

Some guy wanders into to shot to greet them. I’m tipping he had his minions make the spread.

I’m waiting for them to dive in face first, everything is edible! 12 different kind of dirt! Edible dirt.

“Every time I see Heather I feel like we’re in a little bubble together. It’s just this amazing chemistry and banter that we’ve had since the first time we met.”

Heather confesses her love for Sam to camera, and then needs to take a moment for dramatic effect.

Garden Gossip

Cutting to the intruders that have convened in the garden, Rachel and Lana take stock of their situation.

‘You can be nice to me, or you don’t have to. If you overstep the mark I’ll pull you up on it, but until that happens I’ll let you get away with it. But later on, when you might need me, I might not be there.’

Whatever, Rachel.

Wilted Wonka

Post chocolate diabetic coma, the pair migrate to the make out couch, sip wine and talk about their feelings, and connections, and their comfort in each others presence.

‘You have no idea how incredibly special I feel right now.’ Pull my finger.

Gifting Heather a rose, they lock lips. Shit gets real!

Rose Ritual

Bitching about the intruders some more, the girls have a sombre start to the cocktail party. Heather runs in squealing recounting her date to the ladies.

‘I’d love to go into the other room and find out all the details,’ AKA I want to deliberately ostracize the new meat.

Smooth move Elbow.

Lined up awaiting their fate, Heather is safe with her rose from her date.

Lana is picked first to receive a rose, and the others are not happy Jan!

Elbow and Rachel remain, pit against one another for the last rose”¦

Rachel snatches that rose out of The Bach’s hand with an awkward, ‘I don’t know WTF is happening’ face. Maybe she just has gas?

Elbow departs the Ladies Lair.

Spoiler Alert!

Did Heather let the cat out of the bag?

In an interview with with Monty and Zoe on the 3pm pick-up on KIIS, Heather let slip this week that she had found a friend “as well as a partner” in Sam.

“We did have a little bit of time just the two of us which was really nice,” Heather told the pair, “and at the end of the day it shows we have an incredible friendship the two of us and that was a part of, I guess, my experience with Sam that I’ve enjoyed the most. The fact that I made an incredible friend as well as a partner.”

Whoops!