The Bachelorette Rules Out Richie

Just as I’m thinking they can’t possibly open on another walky walky thinky thinky beach scene, they open on another walky walky thinky thinky beach scene.

At least this is new footage. But, it doesn’t take long before Channel 10 begins rehashing highlights of all The Bachelorette’s dates with the remaining three guys, Sasha, Richie Ramjet, and David Beckham. Sam Frost talks over top of the regurgitated scenes reminding us that she has a massive decision to make.

We know it’s what we’ve been dying to find out!

Acrophobia

Blindfolded, hoping The Mistress will consensually take naughty-naughty advantage of him, Sasha arrives at an airfield. While I’m pretty sure they edited out the part where he dropped the F-bomb, he is shitting bricks over the inevitable part where he is hurled out of a plane 14 000 feet above the earth. Sasha-licious is afraid of heights and the diabolically plotting Mistress knows this while he accuses her of it being a massive stitch up.

Sam comforts a very green looking Sasha as they make their ascent in a plane that has a plastic roller door hacked into it’s side. A PLASTIC FUCKING ROLLER DOOR? Er, Nope.

Via tenplay.com.au

Strapped to the front of people who have way more experience at jumping from rickety aircraft than they do, Sash and Sam make it to the ground in one piece.

‘It’s a bit restrictive on the old fruit and veg innit?’ Complains Sash before having to comfort an unwell Bachelorette who’s crashing hard from her adrenaline surge. #ManufacturedIrony

 

Heading to a make out couch in the evening they cheers to conquering fears as Sam lays hers bare.

‘When all of this is over, it’s just me,’ waves Sam, ‘I don’t have nice things.’

My heart broke a little here because I feel really strongly about empowering women who think small of themselves.

Girls, you are never “just” anything, you a fierce bitch!

He professed his love, they kiss, they cuddle, I’m pretty sure he’ll be making it through to the final.

Cool Bananas

Hitting the slopes for the very first time, it’s an avalanche of Richie-isms with all the Cool Bananas, Cool Sticks and Boom-Shaka-Laka’s you could poke a stiff stick at.

I’m pretty disappointed they bypassed any attempt to humiliate Richie by trying to make him ski, so they made crappy snow angels in 7cm deep snow. And then he leaves her hanging as she makes kissy bum face! Pfft. W.E.

Via Buzzfeed

Making her minion piggy back her, The Mistress guides Richie to their chalet for the evening. Staying true to The Bachelorette formula, there’s a make out couch set up with some wine and cheese surrounded by mood lighting and Marvin Gaye. Ok I lied about Marvin Gaye, I’m just wishing for some heavy petting or something.

 

Richie confesses to being such a nervous nelly around Sam and struggles to open up to her. Drilling into him in hope to elicit the ‘L’ word, Richie stammers very nervously saying he sees her as someone he could definitely fall in love with. Ba bow.

 

Hump Back

You’re damn right I would! It’s date time with David Beckham. I don’t care whether or not he really played soccer, he’s hot A.F! Despite the nanna cardi’s.

“I feel like a look like you a little bit today.” Sam dons a nanna cardi in honour of Michael.

Via tenplay.com.au

They head out whale watching in a rubber dinghy. WTF is this? Does she just want to entice them all into death traps to lull them into a false sense of security for the future?

Michael tells The Bachelorette that his family adored her at home towns, (your Dad), that they loved her company, (your Dad), and that they really missed her, (also, your Dad).

Dude, you need to tell your Dad to back the fuck off before he cuts your lunch Blue Steele style.

‘Holy daffodil it’s a real whale!’ Wait, what? I think Sam has been hanging out with Richie for too long.

A dinner table replaces a make out couch in the underwater fish tank in Sydney’s Sea Life aquarium. They wine, they dine and they have a big ol’ pash after Michael confesses, ‘Make no mistake, I’m really falling for you.’

Rose Ceremony

The soundtrack of impending doom plays out the boys grooming themselves and The Bachelorette en route in her limo.

Osher swaggers in to tell them the obvious – two roses between three men means one of them must go.

Sasha-licious gets the first rose before Sam breaks down after calling out Michael’s name. She struggles to get the words out and takes Richie outside to break up with him in ‘private’ telling him how wonderful she thinks he is.

Via buzzfeed

 

Teary emoticon, he can’t wait to have that girl he can treat like an absolute princess.

I’m freaking out, tomorrow is the final!!!!!!!!

And in case you are as ‘pee your pants’ excited as I am, channel 10 have left room in their Bachelorette budget to make us a rad printable The Bachelorette Finale Party Pack.

Download here.

Oh you know I’m gonna get my cut and paste on!