Opening at the Bro Show in the Man Mansion, plaid clad Osher drop a date card for a not so single date.

Alex reads a shaken not stirred clue to ‘play your cards right’.

Tony and Davey, who is more annoying than a paper cut, are pitched against one another.

One date. One rose. Loser goes home.

Sash does the math and hurts his head, ‘no comprendo.

Three’s A Crowd

Playing on the chalk and cheese factor, Tony and Davey are dressed in opposing black and white tuxedos as they board a water taxi to get to The Bachelorette who summoned them to the big ass yacht.

At this point I’m thinking it’s a pretty weird threeway. A flick of a roulette wheel wins Tony some alone time with Sam where he talks about being serious. Dead serious. And mature. And, yeah, beige. Yawn. Setting fire to any shred of Bro Code or gentlemanly conduct, in swoops Davey cutting Tony’s lunch. And we’re back to really weird threeway.

tony and davey3

Tony’s all like, ‘hold up bitch,’ and Davey’s like, ‘ain’t takin’ no shit.’

To The Death

Davey takes Sam to make out couch and covers her with a throw blanket, convincing The Mistress of his maturity.

Returning the lunch cut, Tony arrives with cocktails. Squeezing onto the make out couch, shit gets weird to a whole new level.

Three in the bed and the little one said, ‘I’d love to take you on a date to a park,’ imagines Davey.

‘Am I invited to that one too?‘ asks Tony.

‘Yeah you can hold our bags and shit.’ Burn Davey.

Man Mansion

Lounging about in workout kit, in walks David Beckham with a date card. So hot, want to touch the heini! Hello spray on attire, I might have just creamed my jeans.

Something about a group date with kids featuring, Ritchie, Sash, David Beckham, Alex, White Kanye and Dave.

H.M.A.S Awkward

Dinner on the yacht sees Tony’s credibility shattered as he scrambles for answers to Sam’s questions.

‘Soulmates? Err, umm,’ no comprendo.

Davey swoops in with an unusually suave answer. I can’t shake the feeling that Davey is a bit of a used car salesman and tells Sam what he thinks she wants to hear.

Nevertheless Tony is shafted off ship and deported to the island.

Davey gets a rose by default and not missing a trick, he does the old ‘turns head at last minute’ making a cheek peck a lip smack, snagging an unsolicited kiss.

Not on dipstick, The Mistress is not impressed. Pretty sure it’ll be your lonely ass getting the fuck off card next.

Group Disaster

Throwing them in the ball pit of juvenile fire, The Mistress wants to test her suitors paternal skills. Because hosting activities for 30 random, sugar high kids is an excellent test to see what one will be like with their own sprog.

White Kanye lets the kids throw cream pies in his face.

Ritchie lets the kids terrorise him

..and Alex paints their faces.

Dave looks very lonely and creepy, the kids smell his fear and give him a wide berth implementing everything they’ve been taught about stranger danger. High five kids.

David Beckham impresses The Mistress the most and scores a coveted dinner date to her Bachelorette Pussy Palace where she will cook him dinner.

Pussy Palace

Infamously renowned for her utter lack of culinary prowess, Sam sets fire to a ham and cheese toastie.

Every week my mum and I have a conference call and discuss the evening’s events. She thought it was endearing that Michael ate the burnt toastie with enthusiasm. I explained to her that the guys in the Man Mansion are so competitive, that they would probably eat a yard of shit to get a date with her.

Making their way to The Bachelorette’s make out couch, she gifts him some ‘fun facts about Sam’ in return to his gift of the same.

They talk about their feely feelings and make use of the kiss voucher. Lots.

Impressed by his oral skills she gives him a rose.

Rose Ceremony

I’m skipping over the cocktail party because, yawn. Oh except when Dave smashes a glass on the glass table, he’s having a shit run.

David Beckham and Davey, who is more annoying than a whistling nostril, already have roses so Osher confirms they’re safe, for now.

Plumber Dave is worried that his rough run might do him out of a rose but he shoots and scores.
Dave has little to be worried about with a noob-tastic montage of White Kanye’s antics was played to a Benny Hill-esque soundtrack. It’s a given..

White Kanye is the last roseless man standing and it’s time to say goodbye.

I think he might cry. Bet he’s second guessing that rap now.