The Bachelorette Kicks Cocky Davey To The Curb

Dropping off like flies – there are only six guys left. The audience are also dropping off like flies because, ermagerd, yawnfest!

They’re sitting around ‘playing’ chess, yawning and clock watching. I suspect the editors were doing the same when they edited this show.

Osher delivers a single date card and Ritchie the rope wrangler scores the ‘lasting love, young at heart” themed date.

Double dropping, Osher whips out a double date card inviting the remaining guy to a circus carnival. Even he recognises how stale the Man Mansion is and doesn’t want have to go back a second time today.

Group Date

Off to visit the carnies are Alex, Sasha-licious, Dave the plumber, David Beckham and Davey who is more persistently vile and annoying that toenail fungus.

Alex says, ‘I will crawl over dead bodies to win this.’ Intense.

Emasculated by testing their feats of strength, David Beckham bombs out of a hammer hitting bell ring.

Then there was lots of tugging and ball tossing.

Davey, failing his father’s advice to not be a dick, is a total dick.

And not, ‘you’re a dick but I’d still do you’ dick, but the Crown Royal Dick of Dick-dom, population 1. Sam is onto him.

Dave the plumber proves he is the most manly of the men and scores some alone time on a make out couch beneath the Big Top.

Talking about their feely feels, I might have nodded off. They hug it out. #friendzone

Single Date

Ritchie arrives at The Pussy Palace where The Bachelorette lays down the date. They’re getting a geriatric prosthetic makeover to see what they’ll both be like in 50 years time.

‘I’d like to say the hearing aid is the best part of the outfit but you can’t go past a sturdy cane.’

Revealing her makeover Richie shows he still has gas in the tank, ‘If she looks like that at an old age, giddy up!’

Apparently it’s their 50th wedding anniversary and they wish to celebrate by playing bingo. The bingo caller congratulates the pair as they peck one another on their prosthetic lips.

Holy shit that kiss has to be the best of the season. Pants down!

Sam spend the day laughing so hard she pissed her depends.

And then 80 year old Ritchie cracks out an hilarious break dance at the bowls club after being propositioned by another mature age lady.

And I thought the last night’s threeway was weird.

Cut to the evening, prosthetics removed, the pair get into their D&M talking about their feely feels and watch a video message from Ritchie’s mum and sister. Of course they sing his praises and then show embarrassing baby photos. It clearly works because it wins him a rose and The Bachelorette goes in for kill, initiating a steamy pash.

Cock Tails

Ritchie the rope wrangler recounts his date to the boys holding back the details of their kiss when Davey goes in for the kill.

‘Just cut to the chase mate. I want to know everything.’ #Dickhead.

The Mistress is still fucking furious. Hauling Davey’s ass out to discipline him she calls him out on his juvenile behaviour. In trying to convince her he’s here for the right reasons, he almost cries, fanning his face like Miss America. I ain’t buying it. And Sam definitely ain’t buying it.

Handing him the fuck off card I imagine she booms, ‘GTFO of my Man Mansion you prat,’ but channel ten didn’t air it.

Is this not a reality show? SHOW ME THE REALITY!

Osher breaks it to the other boys, ‘Sam’s made the difficult decision to let Davey go.’

Really, was it that difficult?