The Bachelorette Home Town Hissy Fit

Opening on what looks to be a dodgy Rexona ad, the dudes at Man Mansion are pretending to work out.

They’re dressed in the proper kit and all!

Kinda like I do groceries in workout kit to pretend I just ducked in, post work out. Web. Of. Lies. #LazyMoFo

Osher enters interrupting sweet-F-A and delivers the very last single date card and group date of season. Sasha-licious gets the single date and all of the guys, including Sasha, will participate in the group date. Wondering what final extravagant and humiliating glory The Bachelorette will wring them through, I’m bitterly disappointed to find out they aren’t even leaving the Man Mansion. The men must host a dinner party for The Mistress.

So, no intruders and no bringing back controversial contestants like Blue Steele to make it interesting. NOTHING?!

Group Date

Milking the Last Supper pun as much as they can (it’s not getting old at all, eye-roll), the guys must prepare a course of the meal each.

Rope wrangler Ritchie who can barely boil water, manages to assemble some chorizo and cheese into hearts for his canapés as they delve into jokes of the obvious, mispronouncing it can-apes.

Dave the plumber serves a prawn cocktail and pranks Sasha-licious with some extra garlic for his single date with Sam the following day. Well played.

Alex and David Beckham whip up a stellar looking prosciutto wrapped salmon dish. David Beckham swans into the room holding three plates like a total pro and announcing his dish as the ‘poissons de l’amour’. The fish of love. #Swoon

Dave starts sulking and snidely tells us that Michael knew exactly what dish The Bachelorette would like.

Among the dinner party chatter there are many obvious cracks at the boy’s abilities in the kitchen, ‘Oh yes, I know what you mean, men are so progressive in the domestic arena these days.’ Clean finger painted toddler shit off the walls and then talk to me about a man’s progressive domestic abilities.

Sasha whips out some crowd pleasing caramel chocolate brownies as they all play a shitty dinner party game of Fun Facts.

It is revealed that Alex has no ear lobes, Ritchie likes to sleep beneath the stars and Dave got his teeth knocked out as a kid alongside being a sulky little bitch.

‘I thought this was supposed to be “Fun Facts”?’

He’s all pissy because David Beckham realises that every moment is an opportunity to woo the mistress, as his fun fact was revealed to be his fear of never finding his soulmate. Cue a gushy ‘aaaaawwwww’ from one Miss Sam Frost, and a bitchy-pants eye roll from Dave.

Single Date

Arranging a date with some of Sasha’s favourite things, The Bachelorette has a vintage Buik to transport them to an art space where they will create a mural to be auctioned for a stroke charity.

Stepping in front of a giant canvas they go to work on it like acid tripping hooligans. Pro Hart did a better job on carpet using spaghetti.

“I definitely feel like our artwork represents the chemistry that was in the room,” Sam says.

Covered in paint they muse about their joint production as Sasha gives Sam a Dirty Sanchez. She gives him a pash returning the favour. Gag. You never go ass to mouth!

Making their way to the make out couch they chat about how stroke has affected their families and about their feely feels with Sasha-licious citing, ‘I knew you were an awesome person but I never thought you could fall for someone in this environment but it happens – yep, guilty.’

Dude, you just gave her shit lip on national TV.

Whatever. It must of worked because The Mistress wasted no time in locking him in, giving him a rose.

Cocktails And Eviction Notices

On everyone’s lips is, home towns. Dave is still harping on and having a hissy fit about the not so fun facts. Throw it a bone mate, you snooze you lose.

‘I just want her to see me in my own environment where I’m comfortable and don’t have to tell her how I feel, she can just see it for herself.’ That doesn’t make good TV Dave and women aren’t fucking mind readers.

It’s pretty obvious that errrrrrrybody’s gettin’ a rose but Dave.

Osher give his the look of pity and reminds Dave that he didn’t get a rose and it’s time to leave.

Saying her goodbye to Dave outside, The Bachelorette friendzones him.

‘We could, like, totally be besties.’

Or not.

Bring on home towns!