The Bachelorette Final

Somebody’s head is going to fucking roll!

While Sam Frost has been waiting her whole life for the one the Daily Mail ruined it for everyone two hours before the show started, revealing the photos of Sam and Sasha from a photo shoot in a hotel.

The Final episode is an extravagant affair with the bachelorette and her suitors flying to New Zealand. I guess being somewhere scenic will take the sting out of being dumped and minimising the possibility of paparazzi ruining it for everyone #TooLate

The last two dates in New Zealand put the remaining two guys to the test with sailing, white water rafting, mineral springs and meetings Sam’s family.

Michael at first sits down with the bachelorettes siblings and says all the right things. Sam’s sister Christine, is a taker of no shit and has Michael nailed.

‘You’re a bit of a smooth talker we’ve been fooled before, (by-he-who-shall-not-be-named), and have been there to pick up the pieces.’

Maybe channel 10 should set her after the daily mail.

Michael spins some sincere silken words her fears are allayed.

Sasha, up next, receives much the same and grilling. Christine asks, ‘what are you going to do all after all of this if it doesn’t work out?’

‘I’m just gonna go back to being a builder.’

Getting the hard part out of the way and meeting the family, its date time. Sam picks Michael up in a helicopter, they whizz around, pash and go white water rafting before ending up at the mineral springs.

Ensuring they have manufactured the most romantic scenario, it’s time to squeeze the ‘L’ word out of Michael. He tells her he loves her, they kiss and cuddle but there’s no grandiose orchestral soundtrack. If the Daily Mail hadn’t given it away, that would have.

Sasha’s final date with The Bachelorette takes place on a yacht sailing off the coast of New Zealand. They are then collected by an utterly pointless sea plane where they are flown to an island where the channel ten minions have set up a make out couch.

Knowing that time is running low Sasha lets Sam know that he loves her and she needn’t be plagued by her darkest fear, to love someone and not have then love her in return.

Tears of joy well in her eyes but she can’t say it back because it would ruin the end of the show. #TooLate

The ultimate break up place is set in the middle of really beautiful and scenic New Zealand hillside in bum fuck nowhere.

Michael arrives first and we know it means doom. He makes his way down the perilous hill to Sam who is wearing a recycled dress! WTF? This is the same dress that crazy bitch wore last season! Channel 10 did you think we wouldn’t notice?! Tut tut.

Anyway, Sam can barely speak, makes ugly cry face, dumps Michael on the hillside, he says its ok before his long, long lonely ass walk back over the mountains.

Sasha arrives to hear his fate. Sam tells him she loves him so much and some other stuff but for the love of god woman, stand fucking still! She has ants in her pants as she elaborates on her feelings for Sasha-licious. They pash into the sunset and live happily ever after.

The end.