The Bachelorette Dismisses David With Dignified Glory

Harping on about the woe of being heartbroken, our Bachelorette strolls down the jetty in yet another pair of torn jeans.

Time for the first single date Osher delivers the card, Dave the plumber gets the gong.

Hello Helicopter!

Now we know why last seasons bachelor had so many budget picnic dates with sponsored cheese.

Landing in the SCG, Sam/Channel Ten, has hired out the whole stadium and some cricketing half famous fast bowler that the boys get a little bit hard over.

Back at the Man Mansion the fellas mill about playing poker.

‘Take a leap of faith’ is the theme for the group date with Drew, Richie, Blue Steele, Tony, Sasha, David Beckham and Kieren.

Davey is ‘spewin’ and having a ‘what about me moment’ when he misses out.

Pitch Nowhere Near Perfect

Packing it at the pitch Dave is set a challenge where if he hits the ball to the boundary he gets a kiss from Sam.

Lobbing the ball off side he hits and scores! It was an uneventful, modest peck on the cheek.

Cutting to the evening, the minions have set up a make out couch in the middle of the cricket ground.

Talk like, ‘You’re a bloody legend and at the end of it all, I just hope you are happy,’ earns plumber Dave a rose.

Dave returns to the Man Mansion gushing about his date and receives gentlemanly applause. Ah the bromance.

Lemmings

Jetting in on a speed boat, cha ching, Mistress Sam meets her men by the side of a river.

Osher informs them that hey must hurl themselves from the cliff to prove their scrotal heft.

Whoever impresses Sam the most will earn some alone time with The Mistress.It’s a flurry of shirtless hotties as the men pour their junk into wetsuits.

‘I don’t feel I have to prove myself to her in this way,’ whimpers Blue Steele.

Sasha, up first is a tad afraid of heights, but he takes the leap for his Mistress.

Michael,l AKA David Beckham, greets his mistress with a chaste peck on the cheek and doesn’t even hesitate, hurling his manhood from the ledge.

Like lemmings, all the other guys follow suit, obeying their Mistress.

‘I’m just going to imagine you’re in there drowning.’ Right on Blue Steele. Eyeroll.

If he didn’t jump on his own accord, I’d have pushed.

Poor Drew is not OK. Quivering atop the cliff with his little top knot, he is paralysed by fear. It’s all tears and hugs as Sam tells him she won’t think less of him for not jumping.

 

Back down on solid ground, the boys rally and give Drew a group hug in support.

Don’t for one second think I didn’t miss David Beckham’s nip slip.

Drew’s cliff top fragility earns him some special alone time with the Mistress. No make out couch, just a blanket, some thow cusions and a feck load of candles.

All the feely chit chat has Drew admit that he’s been swept off his feet. Got. It. Bad.

Cocktail Party

The guys speculate about what Mistress Sam will be wearing.

Annoying Davey is sweating about not getting any alone time with Sam.

Now’s his chance.

‘I always wanted to be a father.’ He tells her.

‘Aww that’s cute.’ Are you old enough?

David Beckham scores the next one on one chat and they get a little deep.

Blue Steele, for the second cocktail party running, breaks the Bro Code interrupting Mistress Sam and David Beckham. #Awkies

‘That’s the Bro Code done.’

‘He’s dead to me.’ The guys murmur in agreeance.

Blue Steele has his head so far up his arse he can barely bask in the glow emanating from his perfectly bleached rectum.

The Mistress hauls Blue Steele off to a make out couch when he brings up David Beckham’s really, really, really, ridiculously good looks and wads of cash, influencing her decision to spend more time with him.

Without missing a beat, Mistress Sam launches, ‘I don’t give a flying (fuck) about all that materialistic bullshit. If you think that’s the person I am, then you can leave.’

Mistress Sam demonstrating that she is the dominant, lays the smack down and puts the insubordinate back in his vain little box.

Rose Ceremony

David Beckham get a rose and thanks Sam for sticking up for him as I flip the bird to Blue Steele on the TV.

The writing is on the wall as Kayne gets the last rose.

Osher, with a curled upper lip gives Blue Steele the fuck off card.

Head held high, Mistress Sam doesn’t even flinch when he tries to dig himself out, but his head just creeps further up his arse.

Cutting him off, Mistress gestures toward the door, ‘It’s been a pleasure.’

Dickhead.

If I were a smoker, I’d spark up a durry right now and bask in my post coital glow. That was the most glorious TV-gasm I’ve ever had.