The Bachelor Intruder Alert!

Ominous music plays into the doom and gloom that plagues the Ladies Lair as they sit around and crunch the numbers.

How many have gone and who’s left? Like 4 and then 2, and then, like, bananas. None of it made sense to me either, they could just open their eyes and look around the room.

Osher creeps by the kitchen slipping the girls a date card.

“It can’t be Nina. None of us like Nina.” Snipes Emily.

Let’s Blow It Sky High

While they ruminate over the theme of the single date, Heather blurts out, “Rockets! Monkeys! Circus!” She really hopes it has something to do with rockets. No worries, closet pyro”¦

Bec scores the single date, glad after the parody that was her last single date with The Bachelor is a distant memory.

Poised in a field wearing a cheetah print muumuu, The Bachelor lands his sleek black chopper whipping the dress into a Marilyn Monroe frenzy.

After a scenic joy flight, the pair disembark and make their way to the planned activity, but not before a passing car splashed a dirty puddle all over Bec’s muumuu. Are you sure this isn’t a disaster date again?

This series of The Bachelor has seen more ugly jumpsuits than Prisoner’s Cell Block H. Less pedophilia though.

With more ugly jumpsuits Bec and Sam go indoor sky diving. Sort of.

“It’s absolutely blown me away.” Bec must know I can resist a pun!

Ladies Lair

Emily and Elbow convene on a chaise on the balcony, musing that the mansion is not exactly pleasantville with Nina around.

Date Downward Spiral

An outfit and location change sees Woody and Bec on the next stage of their date. The romantic location, the food, the wine, the chatting and the kissing. But no. Bec has just cock blocked herself by whipping out a deck of ‘Get To Know You’ date cards.

Talking about all the feely feelings that they don’t have for one another, Bec is promptly lumbered into limo with a one way ticket to ‘Love Don’t Live Here’.

Palm Pashing

A cut to the ladies in their lounge, we see them chatting about Bec totally going to come back with a rose. Yep. Def.

“Do you think she’ll be all disappointed if, (licks hand and moans to mimic a Bach Pash), ‘it’ doesn’t happen?”

Just as The Wood walks in”¦

Skulking into the Ladies Lair, The Wood thought he’d better break it to the babes that Bec had left citing there was no panty tearing, lusty romantic connection between them.

Morning Glory

“I’m here for a rool woman and to find rool love,” says Sam as he surprises the ladies for a breakfast date.

Whipping up pancakes for all, The Wood dines with his harem.

After making a hasty exit, probably from too much coffee, the ladies get suss.

“Of course Nina grabs the date card.” Says professional eye roller Emily.

In his stealthy getaway, The Bachelor deposited a date card with Sarah’s name on it.

Stalking from the mansion in a leather mini skirt, Sarah flashes her gash on the way to her date.

Whisked away by boat, the date takes place at the Bach Pad’s wee jetty and boathouse.

Entrepreneurial smart girl Sarah, loves a wine, or seven. Girl after my own heart. Knowing this Woody puts together, with the help of some sponsored products, an impromptu wine tasting session. Blindfolded, Sarah dutifully sips whatever The Wood has sloshed in those Waterford Crystal glasses.

Scoring a five out of 6 on ‘guess which one is not like the other’ taste test, The Bachelor leads Sarah away through the boat house to a romantically laid out sofa. Chatting into the sunset about their feely feelings for each other, Woody gifts her a rose.

Ending the date with a very awkward snog, the pair make all the wet, lip smacking sounds. The noise makes me wretch a little.

Intruder Alert

In high spirits back at the Ladies Lair, the girls are dolled up and chatting in the lounge. Osher arrives, being the bearer of poo-poo news, “When you see me ladies, it usually means business.”

Leading The Bachelor astray outside, Osher butters him up by asking how his time on the show has been.

“Yeah great, I’ve got to snog more birds and touch more boobs in here than I ever have before. Thanks for being my wingman Osh Kosh!”

Bursting The Bachelor bubble, Osher announces the imminent arrival of dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuunnnnnn”¦

The intruders!

Lana, a 27 year go-getter, golfer, and yogini instantly hits it off The Wood.

Nina is screeching from the outdoor sofa, “Ermagerd, ermagerd, ermagerd! It’s Intruders!”

Awkwardly seating herself among the hyenas, Lana is given the inquisition.

“So, did you bring him anything, sing a song, or do a dance for him?” Asks Emily.

“I gave him a golf demo,” Lana replies.

“Oh he hates golf.” Scoffs Emily.

Toilet Doll

Enter the next intruder, done up like a white toilet doll and doused in gold,

Rachel. 29 year old food blogger from Brisbane confesses she can’t cook and loves the free stuff that comes with the perks of being a food blogger.

Their idle chit chat is drowned out by her voice that could cut glass. I wanted to poke a hot iron in my ear hole!

Admitting to resting bitch face, Rachel sits with the girls, replying to their cascade of questions.

“Oh yeah he’s adorable,” she purrs, “my type of guy.”

Heather says what we’re all thinking, #uncomfortable, and that all is fair in love and war.

During the cocktail party The Wood pulls Lana aside for some one on one action. And then reciprocate with Rachel in an effort to speed date them before the rose ceremony.

Rachel bombards him with ridiculous questions as I boo her from my sofa.

Wound Tighter Than A Top

Knowing Emily is more territorial than a dog with a bone, Sam sniffs her out sensing she will be affected by the intruders.

Nonchalantly shrugging them off with eyerolls and whatevers, Emily’s whispers with Wood take a nose dive.

“I sometimes feel you’re more about the glitz and the glamour”¦ And that you’re a bit highly strung.”

Looking like she’d just copped a dick in the ear, she defends herself citing that that is not her personality at all.

Wild Roses

Emily is bitching like a broken record in the voice over that she simply cannot see Sam with Nina, and will be furious if the intruders are picked over her.

The pile of roses dwindles down and in true dramatic television, eye rolling Emily and Nina the screamer are pitted against one another.

Refusing to be dumped on national television, Emily stomps off before The Wood woo’s with his last rose.

Sulking in the departing limo, Emily believes that the rose was truly meant for her.

“Nina, this rose was always meant for you.”

Boom! Until tomorrow…