The Bachelor Gropes Lana’s Goods

Suffering separation anxiety at the imminent season end, I watch The Bachelor frolick in some freezing cold water during an early morning swim.

With nips that could cut glass, The Wood weighs up his chances with the final three ladies. Sarah, Sneezy Parmigiana and Lana.

A montage of all the previous dates with each girl plays out to fill in some time.

‘Cause you know, there ain’t much else going on.

The final three girls go on their final three dates before they become the final two girls, when they play musical roses and one of them misses out. 

Three incredible dates with three very different, beautiful women. Broken record, Wood.

Sneezy’s Snivel

The Bachelor chooses Sneezy Parmigiana for his first date. Donning a leather cape, I think she’s raining on Heather’s superhero parade in a bid to appeal to Bach Man.

Gifting her a glittering gown, they sip some pre date bubbles in a beach view penthouse.

Done up to the nines, travelling by Lamborghini, they enter an empty theater The pair are privileged to watch an exclusive ballet performance. Which is cool, you know, because Parmigiana takes her little Nugget to the ballet.

She cries.

Then laughs, and talks about how wonderfully The Bachelor fit into her life.

Lounging on a make out couch they chat about Nugget, and then put the couch to good use and make out.

Then shit gets serious about the reality of parenthood.

Bye bye, spontaneity. Bye bye, free will.

Lana’s Loose Lips

The Bachelor talks over a video montage, saying how unbelievable fast their connection has been, Lana is next in the incredible date line up.

Woah, what’s with the huge hat?

Taking off on a seaplane, The Bachelor ‘has tailor made this date, just for her!’

Heading to a house in Palm Cove, it’s clear that Channel 10 has pretty much saved all their date budget for this episode.

Making out on the balcony, Lana talks about their chemistry.

After a whizz around the cove behind a boat on a ski donut, they head to a private dinner and talk about logistics and levels. Intellectual, physical, Sydney and Melbourne.

Holy shit sticks! After banging on the whole season about being based in Melbourne, The Wood would move to sydney for Lana!

Completely bypassing the make out couch they head straight for the sexy, sexy pool and make out. A. Lot. Sam’s slippery mitts make their way to Lana’s posterior and cop a good grope.

Can’t hide your surprise wood there!

Sarah’s Serenity

Posed in a meadow, Sarah pips the other two at the post by sporting a cape, and a huge hat. Take that!

The Bachelor collects Sarah in a horse and cart as they make their way to a country manor for a spot of afternoon tea. Where fuck all happens.

No wait, she asks The Wood about his feelings for the other girls. To which he replies he is still working it out.

And then slamming shut, Sarah feels like talking would be interrupting the serenity. Yawn.

Popping on a frock and a velvet jacket, they migrate to the make out couch where they talk about the other girls, don’t eat any of the cheese, but get stuck into some wine.

Bespoke Bachelor

Nodding like a bobble head, The Wood agrees with Mr Bling Man from Zamels. Crafting his bespoke ‘I ditched 20 other women for you’ ring, he chooses a round brilliant cut diamond.

Rose Ceremony

Apparently three’s a crowd. But not enough of a crowd for a cocktail party because all the girls are in isolation. All dolled up solitarily sipping wine while their voice overs bang on, and on about their potential impending doom and how much they want The Wood.

The Bachelor, for the second show running, creeps on the babes, watching their messages on a tablet.

Lana receives the first rose with confidence barely being able to contain her smug.

Sarah is shown the door with sad faces and ushered swiftly to the garden by a touchy feely Bachelor who gives her the ‘you’re destined for great love but not with me’ pep talk.

Bring on the finale!