The Bachelor Bobbing For Boobs

A tight shot of Emily’s scowling face plays out as Osher enters the lounge of the Lady’s Lair. She’s moaning because she wants a single date with The Bachelor and ‘doesn’t approach men’.

Leaving the ladies with a not so suspect gold envelope, Osher departs. As she nonchalantly sips her tea, it is revealed that Emily gets her wish, a treasure hunt solo date with Sam. Well, don’t swing from the fucking chandelier with excitement.

I Want My Wood in your Hoo-Ha..

As she makes her way by boat to the date, Emily admits she’s a high maintenance princess, and The Bachelor admits that their relationship is purely physical.

Reaching the paddle boarding/physical challenge part of their date, The Bachelor points out a note on Emily’s board. Gasp! What could it be? A treasure hunt?!

I pity the channel 10 intern that had to burn the edges of all those notes and bury that shit box of a treasure chest.

“I thought it would be just below the surface.” No Emily, you actually have to dig for your gold.

Emily gushes smugly, scoring the diamond bracelet. My husband walks into the room scoffing sarcasticly, “Because girls hate getting diamond jewellery.” I wasn’t looking but I’m pretty sure it was coupled with an eyeroll.

Butt Nuggets

Back at the Lady’s Lair, the girls speculate over Emily and the Wood’s physical chemistry deciding that their lusty union couldn’t possibly form the basis of a long-term relationship.

Saving us wanting to shove our heads in a gas filled oven, Sneezy Parmigiana whips out a group date card. All the girls are off for a group date themed The Simple Life.

Surmising that the date has got something to with farming, Jasmin bemoans picking up poo. I don’t dig picking up butt nuggets either Jasmin, but sometimes the kids don’t quite make it to the potty. Deal with it.

Brie In Bikinis

Returning to The Bachelor on the beach with professional pouter Emily, The Wood pops some champagne. Don’t think I didn’t notice the cheesiest of cheesy, cheese product placements! Fondling the foil from the brie, Bach Man and bikini-clad Emily chat about being the last man standing.

“The majority of my friends are married with children.” And the majority of your friends are knuckle deep in shitty nappies, praying for more than 3 hours consecutive sleep while you two are on the beach, picnicking and swilling champagne.

Third Wheel Woody’s broken record repeats his sexual attraction toward The Pout. Pretty sure The Wood would motorboat her if The Wood could. He gives her a rose, instead.

Bobbing For Boobs

While I’m distracted by his lack of eyebrows, the flannel flouting bachelor and Osher greet the ladies to a ye olde farm life date. Complete with hoedown. I’m resisting the urge to pun right now.

The Wood cites that this is another opportunity to see the girls get stuck in and show another side of themselves. BY BOBBING FOR APPLES.

The Bachelor demonstrates a successful bob, ruining his hairdresser’s hard work with a waterlogged quiff. Sacrilege!

Some of the girls struggle to get their baps over the bowl. Nina combats this by diving in, boobs first, emerging victorious with an apple in her mouth. And a very wet, white shirt.

“She did that deliberately.” Snips Elbow.

Down to the final it’s between Heather and Nina. Heather dives into the bowl like a cobra snapping up an apple, winning a one on one with Wood.

So they go make lemonade. Uneventfully.

Wanky Montage

A scene straight out of Benny Hill, the chicks chase sheep around the yard to a sexist boppy tune.

Jasmin awkwardly wrangles a sheep and while The Bachelor holds it still, she snips some token wool.

“Now I have to go wash my hands. Immediately,” she sulks.

A violinist fiddles a frivolous fiddle while the group date gets their line dance on in the shearing shed.

Mid hoedown, The Wood pulls Heather aside, “Wanna go for a walk?”

“He’s already spoken to her today.” Scolds Jasmin.

Haul your harpy in woman, if you want to talk to The Wood, put your big girl pants on and take the initiative!

As if to stick it up her some more, The Bachelor returns Heather to the hoedown and grabs Sarah for chinwag.

Hey Jasmin, why the long face?

Heather pep talks Nina into positioning herself to the optimal spot for a word with Wood. With a knee up on a rail, Nina does her best to catch his attention. Blinkers on, The Wood reaches over Nina, snagging the hand of Sneezy Parmigiana.

Telling her he doesn’t know much about her and that they don’t need to use fancy words, they could, “…just do this.” The Bachelor plants an almighty tongue kiss on Parmigiana’s pie hole. On a group date!

Rose Ceremony

Looking like the line up from The Bold And The Beautiful, the girls await their fate. Heather’s inner serial killer twitches at Emily’s pre-ceremony rose, making her safe from elimination.

What a surprise. JASMIN IS EXPELLED.

THE BACHELOR SPOILER ALERT!!!

Tapping my nose, I have it on good authority that there may be some intruders entering the Ladies Lair soon”¦