5 Foods To Make With Your Vagina

Turns out a vagina can do more than you give it credit for.

Mind you, I’ll be more excited when mine can get up and fold the freaking laundry.

(There’s some explicit language later on in this article – just so you know!)

We all know how amazing vaginas are, from their ability to birth babies and take a good dicking, but did you know you can make food with it? Here are 5 foods to make with your vagina….Vagina Foods.

1. Vag Yoghurt

You can make yoghurt very simply and easily in your own home. All it is made from is fresh, whole milk and by adding cultures, it turns into yoghurt overnight. But where does one find these cultures? I’m glad you asked.

Cecilia Westbrook, an MD/PhD student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, had a light bulb moment. The vagina is home to hundreds of types of bacteria and organisms with the dominant bacteria being lactobacillus. It is this bacteria used to culture milk, cheese and yoghurt. Cecilia whips out the old wooden spoon and harvests her cootch cultures, adding those to fresh milk. She leaves it overnight to cultivate. In the morning, she finds a ‘respectable’-sized bowl of yoghurt, which she then eats with blueberries.

2. Beaver Cheese

To make labneh cheese, you’ll need a pinch of salt, muslin or cheese cloth and a bowl.

Take your delectable pot of pussy yoghurt and a pinch of salt, and pour into the cheese cloth and hang above the bowl. This will drain all the excess moisture from the yoghurt to produce a cheese. Let it drain in the fridge for 8-14 hours and you’ll have a soft, smooth and tangy spread. If left for 24-48 hours, you’ll have a firmer labneh, similar to the consistency of cream cheese. If you strain it for longer, say 48-72 hours, it becomes yoghurt cheese, which is usually rolled into small balls, coated with herbs and spices and stored in olive oil to be served as mezze or part of a cheese platter with crackers. Voila! Beaver cheese!

3. Whisker Whey

Whey is the byproduct of making your beaver cheese. Keep the liquid that strains off your labial labneh and store in an airtight container. It will last for about 4 weeks. But WTF does one do with whey? Well, you make lacto-fermented sauerkraut silly!

4. Sexy Sauerkraut

While any sauerkraut recipe can be made with a salty brine, it garners additional gut health benefits when it is lacto-fermented with whey. By massaging whey into thinly sliced cabbage for about 10 minutes with your wizard sleeve, it will begin to release its juices and start to break down. Add in some caraway seeds for extra flavour and store in a mason jar with the liquid covering all the cabbage. Place in the pantry to ferment for 10 days before storing in the fridge.

5. Dildo Bread

To make a sourdough bread, you’ll need a starter culture. Time to whip out that wooden spoon again! Or dildo in this woman’s case. Using a dildo, she harvested her vagina’s own natural colony of yeast to make the #CuntSourdough (her hashtag not mine!). Mixing it to flour and water, the culture is left for a number of days to ferment and is fed each day with a little more flour and water. Once the culture is a well-established colony, it is used to make a loaf of bread. Twat toast anyone?

She said in a now-deactivated Twitter account:

In the interest of full disclosure, I have actually made everything on this list from scratch, and everything is hearty and delicious. But never, have I ever, fished about in my fanny to harvest the cultures to do so.

How’s that for gut health?

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