10 Gross Alternatives to Toilet Paper

I can’t believe there’d be a day where we can’t find even a roll of toilet paper everywhere.

When we are older, we can tell our children and grandchildren about the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020.

So, because we’re so innovative and smart, you can always count on us to come up with alternatives.

If the Coronavirus hits and you are left without a convenient white roll of soft paper for your chocolate starfish – then read on.  Here are our 10 Totally Gross Alternatives to Toilet Paper!

1. Do the Waffle Stomp

What is a ‘Waffle Stomp’ you may ask.  Well effectively it is when someone defecates in a shower, then uses their foot to push the stool through the drain, effectively making a waffle.  Hence the term ‘Waffle Stomp’.  Totally gross.

2. Get Yourself a Bum Gun

All the rage in Asia, this little version of a ‘Bidet’ will squirt your coit.  I can see my young boys squirting

3. Sea Sponge on a Stick

If this was good enough for the Romans in ancient times, then it is good enough for us! Not only did the Romans use a Sea Sponge attached to a stick, they also had communal toilets – so you can sit and shit with all your friends and family in attendance!

4. Reusable Cloth Wipes

Preppers on many websites laud the wonderfulness of reusable cloths or ‘Family Cloths’ as a substitute for toilet paper.

Many say that toilet paper is just ‘Money down the drain’ – but really – it is the shit coming off these cloths that will mix with your smalls in the wash that I worry about.

Barf.

5. Eaten Corncobs

Yes in Colonial Times, people used eaten corncobs on their cornhole.

Corny joke!

6. A4 Sheet of Paper

Here is our video on step by step instructions on how to use an A4 Sheet of Paper as a dunny roll.

7. Scrunched Up Or Folded Newspaper

Newspaper can actually be quite soft if you are a scruncher.  You may however get a bit of ink on your stink.

8. Piece of Rope

Making hemorrhoids since the time of Pirates!  Aaaarrggghhhhhhh

9. Used Receipts You Find at the Bottom of Your Bag

Now they’re not so useless anymore…

10. Leaves

Since it’s autumn now then you will never have a problem gathering leaves!

There you go! Some alternatives to toilet paper..We can’t promise it’s useful but at least we gave you options!