So Yeah, We Need To Talk About Haemorrhoids

Haemorrhoids. If your ass hurts so much you can’t sit it on any surface without an inflatable ring to support you, you’ve probably got them.

Pregnant ladies and new mums know all about haemorrhoids, sometimes called piles because they’re piles of agonising pain. Why? Well, it turns out that if you squeeze a watermelon out of a plughole, haemorrhoids is how the universe rewards you.

Thanks universe.

What The Hell Are Haemorrhoids?

Haemorrhoids are basically varicose veins of the anus and rectum. But you can’t rub coconut oil up your plug to get rid of these bad boys. Well, you can, but it’s for pleasure only.

No seriously, they’re veins in your rear, and they’re common in middle and later life, or pretty much anytime you’re having trouble squeezing out your logs. That’s poop, just so you know.

There are three glorious kinds of haemorrhoids.

First, there are internal haemorrhoids. These are found inside the rectum and are usually painless. Now, they don’t want to give you nothing, so internal haemorrhoids usually bleed… a lot, because there’s nothing more reassuring than blood coming from somewhere apart from your vag.

Next, come external haemorrhoids. Basically, these are little haemorrhages (bleeding) in the skin around the anus. They feel like hard lumps, just in case you wanted to have a finger around back there. Be our guest.

Third and final are prolapsed haemorrhoids. These are the big boys, the most severe and painful kind of internal haemorrhoids. They are veins that push through the anus and hang outside of the body. This might happen after a particularly exciting trip to the toilet. Oh, and your anal sphincter (because who doesn’t like that word), can strangle them when they hang out permanently.

Note to self, if you want to sleep tonight, do not Google images the term ‘prolapsed haemorrhoid’. You have been warned.

Symptoms

Blood! Blood on the paper, blood in the poop and blood in the bowl are all pretty good indicators that you might have some haemorrhoids playing hide and seek up your ass. If you see blood, better go see a doctor so he can take a closer look up there (fun!). Seriously, it can be a sign of worse shit (literally) as well.

Causes

Ok, by now, you’re probably wondering: what’s the cause of haemorrhoids so I can damn well make sure I never encounter them. Well, listen up, because we’re about to dump some knowledge on you.

Haemorrhoids happen slowly over time. In a working body, small blood vessels and veins in and around the rectum and anus carry deoxygenated blood back to the heart. However, if the return blood flow is hindered by something, the blood vessels and veins can get bigger, distending and getting knobbly and fat.

Main causes of haemorrhoids include straining to drop a log when you’re clogged, being up- the-duff because your darling child puts so much weight and pressure on your bowels, having some dodgy genes (thanks mum and dad), and any kind of heavy manual labour (including, ironically, labour).

You might also get a visit from the haemorrhoid fairy if you sit on hard surfaces for long stretches of time. So avoid stools for the benefit of your stool. Ok, we’ll stop now.

Prevention And Treatment

The good news for all of you anxiously clutching at your cheeks (on your face of course) is that there are ways to avoid as well as to treat haemorrhoids. Basically, it all comes down to ensuring you’re smooth as hell, from your rear entrance. Yep, you should be doing everything that you can to produce nice soft poop, so you can eliminate them without popping a literal ass vein. If you eat a poor diet and have regular constipation, consider this your pre-haemorrhoids warning!

If you already have haemorrhoids, you also have a few options. You can use astringent ointments or suppositories (oh yeah) to shrivel them up, or you could have band ligation of the haemorrhoids, where small bands are placed to reduce them. In cases where all that fails, there’s always surgery.

If you’re worried about that, talk to your doctor!

If you become concerned about any symptoms, please seek immediate medical attention we have some hotlines and suggested websites for further information and advice https://www.stayathomemum.com.au/my-kids/babies/important-hotlines-websites/

SAHM takes no responsibility for any illness, injury or death caused by misuse of this information. All information provided is correct at time of publication.