10 Things To Say When Someone Asks You If You Are Pregnant When You’re Not

Many human beings are ignorant, lack self-awareness, inconsiderate of others and are just simply dickheads.

Sometimes, they can be all of the above. This is usually the sort of person who will jump in and ask you if you are pregnant when you’re not.

If anyone has ever asked you if you’re pregnant, or variations upon it, when you’re not, it can be mortifying.

It happened to me one day in a large office complex I used to work at. Some guy I’d never seen before approached me in the kitchen while I was making a cup of coffee and cheerfully asked me if my cravings had kicked in yet. As I needed the coffee to help me wake up and deal with the reality of being at work, it was only once I was back at my desk that the penny dropped this guy had pretty much called me pregnant when I most certainly wasn’t. And I was embarrassed.

It has happened to friends of mine over the years as well. Some halfwit will approach them and ask them when the baby is due or if they know yet whether they are having a boy or a girl, and they’ll want the earth to open up and swallow them whole because they’ve effectively just been body-shamed. Worse still is when they reach out to touch the belly. Where’s the whipping cane when you need one?

Really, when I think about it, it’s not the person who has just been asked if they are pregnant who should be ashamed. It’s the idiot who is incapable of thinking before they run their mouth off who should feel shame.

Here’s a handy refresher: if you think someone is pregnant but they haven’t told you they are just shut up. It’s very simple. If they are someone close to you a really good friend, family member, colleague you work closely with chances are, if they are up the duff, they’ll let you know about it when they are ready to. If it’s not someone you’re close to, it’s probably none of your business anyway. Especially if it’s a complete stranger. WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW? If in doubt, shut the hell up.

So what to do if someone asks if you are pregnant or otherwise suggests you are? Other than dropping the f-bomb and suggesting they head in that direction? Well when it happened to me, and I had time to ponder it while waking up, I realised there were lots of things I SHOULD have said, but obviously didn’t because the opportunity to respond had passed.

1. Tell them how it is

Really, just tell them they are an idiot who lacks manners and that it’s an inappropriate thing to ask any woman, ever.

2. Tell them you’re barren

One of the harshest lessons for some twit who runs their mouth off without thinking is that they might actually be opening up a terrible wound for someone. Just like that one idiot who asks you why you aren’t breastfeeding in the shopping centre parents room wouldn’t have a clue if you’ve had a double mastectomy or not. The random idiot who asks if you are pregnant won’t know if you’ve been struggling with infertility or had to undergo a hysterectomy at an extremely young age. Tell them something like this and make them feel as small as their body-shaming attempt tried to make you feel.

3. Tell them it’s a tumour

A variation on the one above, but you’ve got a gigantic tumour in your abdomen. You haven’t really told anyone because most people have the decency to shut their pie holes and not ask you about it. Oh and you’ve only got months to live.

4. Tell them you’re just fat

This is really, really awkward for them usually. Let THEM feel like they want the earth to open up and swallow them whole for being such a moron.

5. Put it back on them

Pretend you misheard them and say “Oh congratulations, YOU are pregnant?!”  It’s a bit like “I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?” But who cares? If it’s good for the goose and all that. Especially funny if the person who asked is male.

Next Page: More Things To Say When Someone Asks You If You Are Pregnant When You’re Not