Transitioning To Parenthood On A FIFO Roster

Becoming a parent is daunting and exhausting, especially for those living the FIFO lifestyle. While live-in couples are enjoying the perks of daily adult conversation and shared looks of exasperation as they play pass-the-baby, the FIFO family live a different life. Each morning the at-home partner wakes for another day of the part-time stay-at-home-mum routine with their new baby. Across the country, their working partner wakes alone in a small donga, and counts the days until they can return home to their new little family.

The transition from couple to couple-with-kids takes some getting used to. The Lifeline WA FIFO/DIDO Mental Health Research Report 2013 found that parents working the FIFO roster while separated from their families experienced more stress relating to the job than other FIFO workers. A typical roster of ‘9 days on / 6 days off’ can seem like a lifetime for both the home and working parents, and the FIFO lifestyle can certainly take its toll. Here are the top tips from families who have transitioned to parenthood on a FIFO roster.

Discuss Parenting and Discipline

“We talked about parenting while I was pregnant. We had some disagreements about strategies “¦ when [my husband] feels strongly about something, we try it his way. I don’t want him to feel like an outsider; he is a parent too, even if he isn’t here all of the time.” – Jess*

It’s important to be on the same page. You need to make the big decisions together, including decisions about parenting style, sleeping arrangements, feeding, discipline, boundaries and household rules. Set aside time during the pregnancy to discuss some of the more common decisions, and share the parenting responsibility.

Respect the Routine

“Having G at home from work was ok at first, but as time went on I found it was a disruption. It threw us out of whack … it took me days to get our daughter back into a routine, and then he would come home again. I loved my husband, but I started to dread his off days.” – Sarah*

The biggest complaint from at-home partners is the disruption to the daily routine when their partner returns home for rest. It becomes more complicated with children, who can be very sensitive to change and become stressed and unsettled. It’s important for the working parent to respect the daily routine at home. A tip from one mum is for you to keep a ‘schedule’ on the fridge, with information about meal times, sleep times, and regular activities.

Support for partner with baby

“When my fiancé is away, it’s just me at home. I can’t just say “hold the baby while I finish off dinner” or “I just need five minutes to myself”. It’s ok most of the time “¦ but sometimes I just really, really need five minutes.”- Kelly*

Being at home alone with a baby can be the polar opposite of being at home alone by yourself. The first time your partner flies out, after the birth of your baby you will probably feel a cocktail of emotions: scared, lonely, relieved, overwhelmed, and maybe just plain exhausted. It’s important that you prepare a support network for yourself – friends and family are helpful, but it can be comforting to connect with other parents living a FIFO roster. There are many forums online, and for real-life support, there are FIFO ‘mothers groups’ that meet-up weekly in many areas. 

Support for the FIFO partner

“I always felt a bit like a visitor in my own home, and once we had [our daughter] the feeling got worse. I was always in the way, or doing something wrong. She went through a phase where she wouldn’t talk to me at all, and would cry if I held her. She didn’t want to see me on Skype. It hurt. I didn’t feel like a real parent, and I hated working away.” Jenna*

For working parents, missing their partner is tough, but missing their child is a whole new level of heartbreaking. While away, meaningful contact is important. Invest in a laptop or tablet for the working parent, to stay connected and share photos, videos, and Skype. Also, most work sites should have mental health services set up to support workers, and especially parents – don’t be afraid to access these services while working away, that’s what they are there for. An earlier idea about keeping a schedule on the fridge can also be a great way for the working parent to become involved in the daily routines when at home.

Supporting Each Other

“When my partner came home for the first few times he became jealous. Since I was at home full-time now, he expected that we could have a lot of intimate couple time, but with a baby in the house that just wasn’t happening. In fact, I jumped at the chance to get out of the house alone, without him or our daughter! It was a struggle of give and take, and it was a tough few months while we worked it out.” – Claire*

For a FIFO couple, time together is in short supply. With children added into the mix, sometimes it can seem that there just aren’t enough hours in the day to go around, but many families agree that the cliché is true: quality is better than quantity. During each ‘home’ period, try to schedule a time for each of you to do something alone, a time for you to do something as a couple, and a time to do something together with your children.

Honesty and openness

“You have to be willing to make it work  “¦ we built our marriage around the FIFO roster, and we did it for years before having kids – me at home alone and him away for weeks at a time. It changed when [our son] was born; I was done making it work. Some people make it work just fine, but I just wanted my husband home.” Kate*

Having children changes everything, and takes negotiation and effort from everyone involved. If at any point either of you become uncertain, jealous or resentful, this needs to be addressed immediately. Most families agree that being a FIFO family is tough, but it can work if both partners are committed to making it work.

*names have been changed for privacy

Alisia Cameron