Parent Or Friend

It’s hard not to question the decisions we make for our children. Are we building strong relationships with our children? Do they see us as warm? As loving? As leaders? Are we firm, but fun? Do they listen to us, trust us, confide in us, and include us in their decision making? What can we do to encourage our children to respect us, but also see us as open and approachable?

Every day we tiptoe along that fine line between being a friend and being a parent.

Finding balance in the parent-or-friend territory is hard work. Too far one way and we risk becoming over-bearing, strict and controlling; too far the other and we blur the boundaries and lose our position as parents.

My five-year-old challenges my balance daily. Each afternoon she plays with some of our neighbours kids, who are a few years older than her. They usually play on the grass in front of our house. Even though we live in a quiet suburban street, my daughter isn’t allowed to play on the road and must stay within the boundary of our yard. For months she has been begging me to let her ride her bike with them on the road.

“But mum”, she pleads, “I’m a big girl now. Everyone else rides on the road. I will get off quickly if a car comes, and I won’t go far. The other kids are bored with playing in our front yard.”

Part of me wants to say yes. The ‘friend’ in me wants her to fit in and have fun. I want to make my daughter happy. I want her to be social. I want her to have friends. And it would be so much easier to say ‘yes’ than to have the argument every single day.

Ultimately, my answer is always ‘no’. I am a parent, her parent. Throughout her life, she will have many friends – I do not need to be one of them. My role in her life, at least for the moment, is to be the parent. I need to step in and set boundaries. If I don’t parent my child, then who will?

If I were to label my ‘parenting style’, it would be authoritative. This label comes from developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, who studied families and parenting. She proposed three distinct parenting styles: permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative (with a fourth, ‘Unresponsive’, added later).

Permissive

Permissive parents are parents in the ‘friends’ zone. These parents are often warm and loving, but usually set very few boundaries for their children.

Authoritarian

Authoritarian parents are at the other end of the spectrum; they are often very strict, and have very rigid boundaries and harsh consequences. Authoritarian parents tend to be more unresponsive to the emotional needs of their children, and have overly high expectations.

Authoritative

Authoritative parenting is the middle-ground. Authoritative parents have clear boundaries and reasonable consequences, while also being flexible and allowing room for negotiation depending on the circumstances.

Towards authoritative parenting

According to the Raising Children Network, parents should aim for an authoritative parenting style.  Authoritative parents tend to have children who are less likely to succumb to peer pressure.

The Strong Bonds Project gives some advice on confronting your current parenting style and adopting a more authoritative approach: “It is challenging to change the way you behave with your children. You have habits and attitudes that are hard to break. Your children are used to the way that things have been. They are likely to resist change. But it can be done and it is worth the effort to build a better relationship.”

References:

http://www.strongbonds.jss.org.au/reasons/style.html

http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/role-modelling.html

Alisia Cameron is a SAHM and lesbian parent to two girls, and is (finally) marrying her fiance of 8 years in 2014. She is a trainee yoga teacher, studying early childhood teaching at university, completing an Honours research project examining family diversity in early childhood education settings, and is planning a wedding. In her spare time she can be found staring into space while wondering if she actually does have spare time, or if she’s just forgotten everything she needs to be doing.