Mummy Moneymakers

In the twenty-first century, it is more or less mandatory that a Stay At Home Mum has a ‘mummy business’ successfully bubbling along while she survives a flood of requests for triangle cut Fritz and sauce sandwiches, wiped bottoms and tags cut off of t-shirts.

While I may not yet be in the mummy business way, I am in the business of enabling others to fulfil their mumpreneur potential. So, in the spirit of sisterhood, I have the following yet-to-be-patented products I’d like to pitch to any SAHMs who want to mind their own business:

Mummy Business Idea #3

A gizmo idea for the techno-savvy, this one’s an auto-tuning device discreetly designed to look like a trendy brooch or necklace. No more will your children have to endure slightly off-key lullabies or nervously recited Play School songs if you can sing with confidence, you can parent with confidence. (You’ve seen Mary Poppins, right?)

Mummy Business Idea #14

Quilted Mary Poppins bags. This business idea is in the bag. Literally. We can store crazy amounts of data on teeny tiny memory cards, and yet no one has mastered the Mary Poppins bag concept yet? I pin my hopes here on entrepreneurial Doctor Who fans who might consider working towards a nappy bag with an inbuilt TARDIS. And, if anyone dares burst my science fiction bubble here with a dose of harsh reality, I reserve the right to swallow the pill with a spoonful of sugar.

Mummy Business Idea #27

Chocolate By Delivery. That is all.

Mummy Business Idea #31

A voice recorder box which sits on your shoulder (much like a parrot think: Jack Sparrow, but more Jack Parrot) which automatically replays any instructions or information you have given orally at a series of ever-increasing volumes until the relevant members of the family hear what has been said. This means you only ever have to actually say things once, and can save your voice for better things (like singing pitch perfect Play School songs see: Business Idea #3).

Mummy Business Idea #87

Remember that (frankly awesome) 80s show It’s a Knockout? Well, this idea is called It’s a Blackout. Much like the personal panic alarms, this is a remote control to your fuse box. Whenever you need children at the dinner table, off the computers, away from the TV or out of the shower BAM! press your little button of doom and your family are lovingly whisked away from their lives of high power distractions and plonked straight into a literal Dark Ages. Family bonding never looked so good (if you only could see each other).

Mummy Business Idea #102

A This Is Your Life doco package which involves a series of hidden cameras placed in and around your home to capture footage from one 24 hour period which is then cut and edited into a DVD format for the purposes of spousal enlightenment. When one’s significant other asks, “But, what have you been doing ALL DAY?”, you simply place the completed DVD into the player and let the images speak for themselves.  This is a great one for visual learners and movie buffs, and if nothing else will give you an excuse to crack out some hot buttered microwave popcorn. (Note: for maximum effect, this is best not used in conjunction with Business Idea #87.)

Mummy Business Idea #112

A digital secretary which keeps track of the endless stream of emails, texts, social media notifications and PMs, voicemails, and missed phone calls to mobiles and landlines (if you still have one) which feature as part of daily SAHM life. If you find yourself regularly spending half an hour searching for that link I saw”¦ somewhere”¦ facebook? Maybe Instagram? Or was it Twitter”¦?, you know this one will help you ditch the digital distractions in your life. And, while you’re at it, this digital secretary should also auto-backup and file every nanobyte of data of one’s digital life, clean up one’s digital footprint (ready for when the kids are old enough to google their parents’ online history), and make Mum a hot cup of herbal tea, darn it.

Mummy Business Idea # 190

Take the technology that keeps Libra Hotties hot for eight hours, put it into a teabag for an eternally hot cup of herbal tea. (Train digital secretary to use said teabags see: Business Idea #112). Optional extra: further enhance this experience with the TARDIS technology of Business Idea #4 to create a true bottomless cup.

If time, money and logic were no barrier, how would you make it your business to address the needs of today’s SAHMs? What sorts of crazy Mummy Business Ideas do you have?

SAHM Tess is a high school teacher on leave while she raises her own classroom of children (the current count stands at three well, the last time we checked, anyway). Report writing, yard duty and angsty teenagers have been temporarily replaced by an indoor True Grit course of toys, an endless stream of used plastic IKEA cups (which are almost always never found in the sink or dishwasher) and Smiley Fritz. Lots, and lots of Smiley Fritz.