“If you want to know how to raise a child, follow these steps.”

Or at least, so speaks WikiHow.

Yes, the ~~somewhat~~ totally useless online website that believes it can ‘teach you how to do anything’ is here to teach you how to raise children. Oh thank heavens WikiHow, I almost had to rely on my instinct and the advice of generations of actual human relatives that had gone before me. Phew!

According to their ‘How To Raise A Child‘ article, there are four parts to child rearing. Let’s dive in shall we?

Part 1: Developing A Healthy Routine

Ah the healthy routine. Definitely the foundation of any normal family. Never mind that children are actually tiny Gremlins sent to the planet to destroy any semblance of order that remains in people’s lives, let’s see what WikiHow has to say about developing a healthy routine.

Put Parenting First: You don’t say WikiHow? Gosh this is news to me. I thought I was supposed to put all this other stuff ahead of my child! It’s so helpful for you to clear up that good parents devote time to parenting. I never knew.

Read To Your Child Every Day: Another winner! We thought that feeding and watering your child on a daily basis was what counted, but if reading is where it’s according to WikiHow then we’ve been doing it wrong all this time!

Eat Dinner As A Family: Yes, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting at the dinner table with your angelic cherubs for a harmonious family meal. Never mind that what actually happens is more like the World War 3 of food fighting, a family dinner is necessary to ‘sustain ideals’. Good to know.

Set A Strict Bedtime Routine: Children need to go to bed at the same time every night? Are you sure? Because every child I’ve ever met, my own included, seems to be solely dedicated to the idea of chaotically avoiding bedtime until they collapse from the sheer exhaustion of driving me crazy… Maybe that’s just me?

Encourage Your Child To Develop New Skills Every Week: Every week! I know kids who can’t even tie their own shoes after months of intense training and you want me to have them do something new every week?

Give Your Child Enough Play Time: Seriously WikiHow, have you ever met a child? All children do is have play time. There’s no responsibility when you’re a toddler, and no difference between the $100 toy grandma bought and the rusty pan they pulled out of the kitchen cupboard.