As you all might or might not know, I am the parent of a child on the Autism spectrum.

It’s been a hard slog these last 8 years. To date I still haven’t managed to get my son to eat dinner once. Not a single time in his life. He just doesn’t like food and is severely underweight for his age, constantly monitored by his paediatrician as well as my husband and me.

Not all parents feel this way, but I knew something was wrong from the moment he was born. Within the first hour, I could just see that he was different. He literally ‘spat’ out my breast milk in disgust, that’s how strong his food aversion was. He also cried, much more than I had ever expected or seen from any other baby. I’m not overreacting here. Sixteen hours a day is a long time for a baby to cry, and I was at my wits end.

Of course, I took him to every doctor I could to try and figure out what was wrong. Most of them said that he would just grow out of it. Finally when he was six years old we had our first recognised breakthrough: he was diagnosed as being on the spectrum. To be honest, I wasn’t surprised, but having the ‘experts’ on my side at last was a relief. Looking back, I now know he was just frustrated at the fact that he couldn’t express what he wanted in a clear and concise way. As his mum, I totally get that. And despite what other might say to fear monger, I know that his autism wasn’t caused by vaccinations, or anything that I did during my pregnancy. He was an IVF baby, he was treated with kid gloves from the moment of conception. I recognise that the person he is will always be the person that he was, not as a result of something that ‘happened’ to him, but just because that is who he was always going to be.

But I digress… Where was I?

Oh yes.

This morning I got a call from the principal… Again.

This isn’t unusual. In fact, it is only term one and I think I’ve already been up the school already about six times to pick him up. But today it hurts a little more.

Today he hit a teacher.

Today I am mortified. Mortified at his actions. Annoyed at myself for knowing he didn’t have a good start to the day. Frustrated that I know he needs to go to school to learn, but doesn’t want to. I’m happy to admit that I’m not perfect. There are so many times in my life, in my parenting, that I just don’t know what to do or say. Any person who has a child on the spectrum will tell you that days are hard. Sometimes, it feels like everyday is harder than the last. I love my son so much, and I would never want my life to be without him. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, difficult or even impossible.

As a parent, I dread the phone ringing. I dread the looks on the teachers faces when I go pick him up – even though they are terrific with him. I feel the guilt of being his parent, like it is somehow my fault that he is like this. That maybe if I disciplined him more or spent even more time with him he would be better. But I know he won’t be, because that’s just how he is.

Today my heart breaks for him. He will be ashamed that again he has to be picked up from school. He will hang his head feeling that shame – not because he is ashamed of what he has done, but because he knows this is not what we expect of him.

When he was little he used to have violent rages that lasted for two or more hours every single day. It broke me to watch him, and not know what was wrong or how I could help. After three years of this, we decided to medicate him. It was such a hard decision and we read just about every argument for and against it. In the end, we knew that medicating him was the right decision for us.

It did make him better to a degree. The violent rages have almost stopped, and his ADHD tendency to ‘not being able to stop fidgeting’ have also almost stopped. He became more loving, and for the first time in his life I was able to get a real glimpse at the little boy hiding inside his unique mind.

It was beautiful.

So today has been a hard day for me. But a harder day for him. And as he sits in his room reading his books, I silently thank his teachers for being so good, and think about how I can make it up to the teacher that he hit….. and that I don’t know where to go from here…….

But I have to put one foot in front of the other and handle each day as it comes.

xx Jody