An Open Letter To Sanctimummies Everywhere

The Spot-the-Sanctimummy Drinking Game

Because sanctimummies are often tee-totalling souls who frown upon mothers experiencing any joy in life whatsoever that isn’t created by being a mother, many of them judge you for even knowing that alcohol exists, let alone because you drink it. It’s bad enough if you put a dash in the cooking, but heaven forbid you enjoy a glass of wine every now and then and she’ll accuse you of being an alcoholic.

I imagine being seated next to one of these birds at a dinner party would be as exciting as being in an Amway recruitment seminar and, ironically, you’d need a bottle or three of gin to cope.

So with this in mind, if you would like to get drunk really fucking quickly, you should browse a Facebook parenting page (like ours) with some alcohol and take a drink every time you see any of the following:

• A sanctimummy in a lather because someone has said they CBF cooking dinner. If you don’t feel joy in every single cell spending seven hours making something from scratch (or six hours if you have a Thermomix) then why did you even have children??
• A sanctimummy who is telling everyone off (in all caps no less) because they’re discussing yelling at their kids.
• When she chimes in on an article related to a parenting issue with “That’s exactly why I don’t…”  In reality she’s full of shit – she just saw a bandwagon full of pitchforks and that bitch jumped on for the ride.
• In a discussion about childbirth and just how much it fucking hurts pushing a human being out of your twat, the sanctimummy will have to tell everyone how she did it without drugs to the dim glow of a Himalayan salt lamp accompanied the sound of Tibetan monks chanting whale songs, and that makes her better than you bitches who aren’t as spiritually enlightened as she. Oh and she rejected that Vitamin K shot at birth too because, you know, Big Pharma and Wake Up, Sheeple!  (You may take three-to-four drinks if you get all of these in one thread).
• When someone is offended by something rather tame.
• When someone explains that they need to work for financial reasons or for their own sanity or to preserve their previously established career, the sanctimummy will trot out something like “Why would you have children if you’re going to pay somebody else to raise them?!?” because she cannot fathom that everyone else’s life circumstances don’t match up with her’s.
• When the sanctimummy says she doesn’t think there should be any swearing on the articles that are published. (Here’s a hot tip, if you want to win the drinking game, head over to our Facebook page and find the associated post linked to this article. You’ll be rat-arsed drunk in no time because of all the fucking swearing I’ve included here)
• When a sanctimummy complains about an article that involves vaginas. I don’t know where she thinks her own precious crotch fruit sprung from (THE STORK?), but she’d prefer not to know about her own beaver or the flanges of others.
• When you see a sanctimummy crapping on about how she has banned all screen time for kids, because screen time is bad, and she plays with her children all day long, and mothers who use their phones in the playground are assholes. Yet she’s there on Facebook…allllllll day long… presumably ignoring her sprogs to get in her own screen time. Yeah, we believe you, love.
• Recognising herself in this article in the aforementioned Facebook thread she’ll either accuse me (lol) of “tearing down other women” and/or “not being supportive of other women” and/or will threaten to unlike the SAHM Facebook page.  Don’t let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.
• When she says that breastfeeding is easy and… oh hang on that was Jamie Oliver.

Just calm your tits

If you recognise even a little bit of yourself in the above examples, I know there will probably be no reasoning with you because your sense of humour fell out of your vag when you homebirthed your first child. (It wasn’t surgically removed, because the santimummy knows that only the worst possible human beings have c-sections and should choose to die in childbirth of complications so they don’t have the stigma and shame of not having delivered a baby vaginally follow them around for the rest of their lives, just ask them, they’ll tell you.)

But if there’s any hope for you whatsoever, seriously, think about whether you really are as perfect as you try to make yourself out to be while constantly badgering all the inferior women with a running commentary on their parenting methods.

Failing that, you can always flounce, tell us we’re bitches and that you’re unliking our page. We’re cool with that. We know you’ll keep looking to see if anyone begs you not to go. And we know you’ll be surprised when nobody gives a fuck.