50+ Stories of Kids Saying the Darndest Things

31. Mommy, it’s only skin

My daughter was brushing my hair and I said “OW” when she pulled too hard. She immediately said, soothingly, “It’s OK mommy, you won’t die. It’s only skin.” – freyariss

32. Mom, I can see it!

When my now 4 years old then 3yo son was in the target bathroom stall with me and excitedly yells “mom I can see your dick” not to mention this happened around the time the whole trans bathroom thing was going on.

Another time after I had my 9month old daughter he when asked about her told the cashier at a store I frequent that the baby just fell right out of my vagina. I was mortified as he told them every detail of his made up story. I’d had a c section.

ETA how could I forget the best one.. For an entire week my son was on a thing about his penis and would tell everyone and I mean everyone he saw that would listen “I have a dick. My dad has a big dick, I have a little dick and when I get big I’m going to have a big dick like my dad” talk about embarrassing. He even wanted to show a few people. – mcway0306

33. At your service

My 4yo son was pretending to be Spider-Man and wanted to “rescue” me. I cry from the other room for him to help me and he comes rushing in, saves me from the bad guys, then looks at me, pretends to tip his hat, and said, “All done, ma’am”. – Spinningalltheplates

34. Sperm in underwear

“Daddy, I have sperm in underwear”

…says my three year old. Then this conversation takes place in my mind:

Oh shit. I thought I had like a decade to prepare for this. Wat do?

Wait… there’s just no way, no matter how precocious, that he already spermed his own underwear, right? Ok, need more information. Need to stall…

“What did you say, son?”

“I have SPERM IN UNDERWEAR!”

Oh God. Somebody has touched him inappropriately. I guess I’ll have to find out who it is, and kill them. I’m just glad he told ME, and not his mother, because I’ll just kill them, and she will flay them, dip them in rubbing alcohol then honey, and tie them up and leave them on an anthill. Damn, this is my worst nightmare

Ok, first thing to do is to make sure the boy is ok. Right. Suck it up, you can do this. Think… what can you say to him… it has to be comforting. He needs to know that this is not his fault, he didn’t do anything wrong. Daddy still loves him, it will be ok. What can you say? WHAT TO SAY!

“Uh..”

“Look! They match my PJs! Mommy let me pick out my sperminunderwear at Costco!”

And he proudly drops trou and shows me his SPI-DER MAN UNDERWEAR

This is how I felt

– Trismesjistus

35. Sounds like

I’m from Saskatchewan- my 4 year old confuses Regina and vagina. She still doesn’t understand how her Auntie can live in “vagina”. – Mablelady

36. Day Care Mayhem

Not my kid, but I used to work in a daycare.

We had a little boy who was maybe 3 and was about 90% potty trained. He could do everything except button his own pants. So he would tend to use the bathroom and then stand in the doorway with his pants around his ankles and just wait for someone to notice him and button him up. No big deal.

Well we get a new girl in the daycare and she is unfamiliar with this boy’s routine and she sees him standing in the door with his pants around his ankles and yells out “Edward’s standing there with his VAGINA hanging out!”

All the staff just about lost it. – projectionist981

38.  Daddy has a “whut?”

While we work to use correct anatomical names, when our daughter was about 3, she, confusingly, called her rear end her “heinie” and her front side her “butt.”

One day, I was getting out of the shower while my wife was braiding little girl’s hair. She looks in the mirror and exclaims “MOMMY! DADDY HAS A PENIS IN HIS BUTT!!!”

Needless to say, my wife made a point to tell all her friends and family.

– Bigninka96

39. You should not play with fire, mom

I have 2 stories:

1-My middle was about 18 months but was very good with her words. We were at the store and she asked for popsicle. I said no. She angrily crosses her arms and yells at me “MY BUTT HURTS” to which everyone around stops and looks at me.

I clarified the situation by asking “does your butt hurt or are you butthurt?”

She was butthurt. It was very funny.

2- middle child had an accident with fire while we were camping on her second birthday. She fell and burned her hand. No scaring I think it scared her more than anything.

Anyways, a year later we’re outside roasting marshmallows on the fire and I have to get after her because she’s dancing by the fire. I got scared and swore “quit fuckin around by the fire. You don’t want to get a big owie like you did on your hand”. It worked, she sat down and handed me her metal roasting stick so I could make her s’mores.

While she was eating I leaned the red hot stick on a log by my chair out of her reach. I accidentally grabbed the hot part when I was going to make more marshmallows and burned my hand. I swore, ran inside and tended to my would.

Daughter walks up behind me “you shouldn’t have been fuckin around by the fire mom”, and just walks off. – theoriginalsauce

40. “Penisillitis”???

My son has a ton of allergies, so we taught them to him one by one, until we eventually added on peanuts right around the time he turned 4.

So we’re in the grocery store and he’s looking at candy and I told him he couldn’t have it because it has things he’s allergic to in it.

Then in the SUPER LOUD VOICE THAT ALL CHILDREN HAVE WHEN THEY SAY SOMETHING HUMILIATING, he says,

Does it have penis in it Mommy? I’m allergic to penis! Penis makes my tummy hurt and makes me sick!

I diiiiiiied! – Aalynia

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