50+ Stories of Kids Saying the Darndest Things

11. It’s a “genie,” kid.

My middle child was trying to remember who the “blue guy” was from the movie Aladdin and shouts, “oh yeah! The vagenie!”

I told my middle there would be consequences for her behavior and my youngest in kindergarten says, “yeah. And vowels too.”

– dirtymartini2777

12. Too much watching about The Smurfs

Me and my four-year-old had been putting laundry in the dryer, and I explained why there are different washing programs on the laundry machine and that sometimes clothes shrink if you don’t wash them at the right temperature, etcetera. Later that day we went shopping for groceries and ahead of us in line was a very short lady, a little person in fact. My son looked at her thoughtfully for a while, then poked me in the arm and said in a very loud voice, “Daddy, did that lady shrink in the wash?”

I seriously thought about grabbing him and just abandon our shopping cart and flee from the store, never to return, just then. The lady just laughed, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so mortified in my life. – PeterEK

13. Who’s “bigger?”

when my son was in pre-school (age 3), my wife was his teacher at that school. One day, he and his friends were arguing about being bigger.

“My brother is bigger!” “I’m taller so I’m bigger!” “I’m older so I’m bigger!”

my son chimes in…”my penis is bigger!”

mic drop

end of the conversation -Tlam19

14. Drama queen/king

When my son was probably 4, we were sitting around in the living room and we heard sirens. He ran to the window and watched an ambulance drive by, then said, “I think someone’s hurt. Or someone’s just being dramatic.” – ImNobodyFromNowhere

15. Oops, it’s poop!

I was recently at Target with my 2.5yo using the (very crowded) restroom.

2yo: Mommy? Did you go potty?

Me: Yes, (2yo)

2yo: Did you go pee or poop?. Before I can say anything and am standing up so the auto flush can do its thing, 2yo looks right into the toilet… 2yo: MOMMY! YOU WENT POOP! THAT WAS A BIG ONE! THAT IS A BIG POOP MOMMY!

Audible laughing from the other people in the bathroom. -achy_breaky_heart

16. His loud mouth

My 6-year-old son will tell himself off when he does or says something naughty. When he was in preschool, one day out of the blue he piped up with: “Fuck me! Colin, don’t say that!” His teacher just about died right there and then. Yup, that’s my boy. Lol

– CassieHooker

17. I promise not to…

Not a parent. One of my students had to apologize to a boy he had a fight with.

He came up to the front of the class and announced, “I will not pick on Timothy (not his actual name). I will not talk about how he smells bad. I will not talk about how he can’t read. I will not talk about how he doesn’t have any proper toys at his house because his parents are losers…” – LisaArouet

18. Stop talking please…

My 11 year olds opinions of me: “Talking to you is too much like learning.” – victoriaesque

19. Sneaky little boy

Restrooms are always fun places for random kid moments.

Last Sunday at church, I took 3yo in to pee and there was a little old lady in the other stall. “Mommy, there are shoes over there!” hears her rustling toilet paper and clothing while making little grunting effort noises. SO HE PEEKS HIS HEAD ALL THE WAY UNDER THE STALL AND SAYS, “HI! IT’S JUST ME, THOMAS.” I pulled him back to our side and apologized.

She just chuckled, said it’s okay and finished her business (slowly) and came out while we were washing our hands. And 3yo says, “Did you get your bottom clean?”

She didn’t respond and started making small talk, so I’m telling myself she didn’t hear him. –Caira_Ru

20. I am your father!

Coming back to the US from an international trip … I’m quite brown with a beard and my youngest is very white … customs asks him “is this your father?” he looks back very seriously “no”. Fml

Ha, I think I reflexed something to the effect of “you little shit!” and the customs agent got the parent vibe. Thankfully it didn’t end with much drama after he came clean on the next question. I did have to explain that it’s not okay to be silly around those folks. Happy it didn’t go sideways! – god_is_my_father

More hilariousness on the next page!

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