We’ve all been there, scoured through the real estate ads and websites, looking for the perfect little patch of paradise. It’s all very well to emphasise the positives and carefully avoid the negatives of a property, but all the alliteration, adjectives and onomatopoeia wont turn what is essentially a dump into your dream home! Here are some of our favourites:

Listing says: ‘A functioning kitchen’

Translation: Um, just functioning? Expect some running water (not necessarily from a tap) and a questionable power point.

Listing says: ‘The property displays countless character features’

Translation: Like a ‘sunken’ roof, water feature in the hallway (read leaking pipe causing water damage), vintage verandah and something resembling a balustrade on a wonky staircase.

Listing says: ‘Located near excellent transport links”

Translation: House is right under flight path, with the freeway on one side and train line on the other.

Listing says: ‘Low maintenance garden’

Translation: A concrete pad, a landscape of cracked brick paving, copious amounts of dreaded pea gravel or just sand. Lots and lots of sand.

Listing says: ‘In perfect shape to redecorate’

Translation: There is no question, you will need to redecorate!

Listing says: ‘Cosmopolitan lifestyle’

Translation: Red light district. Hookers and drug dealers are your new neighbourhood watch committee.

Listing says: ‘Water glimpses’

Translation: If you place your tallboy under your bedroom window and climb on top of it, you can see approx. 10cm of the ocean view. Or, if you lean off the balcony and stand on your tip toes, you can see the water reflected in the windows of houses near the water.

Listing says: ‘2.5 bedrooms’

Translation: What on earth is half a bedroom? In this case it’s a large closet or sleepout located on the side of a lounge room – usually with outside access.

Listing says: ‘Renovators Delight’

Translation: Unless you hold a registered Builders Certificate and up-to-date life insurance, don’t even bother!