Where We Are Now: After the Affair

Earlier this year, SAHM brought you A Letter From A Scorned Wife, an extremely popular post from a woman who’s husband had had an affair with a work colleague. Your feedback and advice were amazing, so we have followed up with Where We Are Now.

It’s been over 6 months since I found out about the affair. Things seem to be settling down. It has been hard. Without doubt the single hardest thing I will ever have to deal with in my lifetime. That probably sounds a little self-regarding, focusing on a personal suffering instead of an illness or death of a family member. It’s hard to explain, but the level of pain you feel is so intense and deep rooted, it goes right to your soul. This kind of pain, because it has been caused by someone not something, hurts more. Someone has had complete control over this event in your life and to make it even more painful this is the person that above all others was meant to cherish and love you unconditionally.

There were many months of ‘discovery’ after it first came out. There were lots of hard questions, lots of even harders answers and much soul searching. My husband goes to a PTSD therapist and we go to a relationship counsellor together, they have both helped more than I can ever explain. I truly feel like I now know everything, which probably sounds naive after all he has done.  Maybe I am, but without trust we have nothing so I have to believe. In saying that he has candidly answered every single question I have had for him, from what positions they had sex in, to which bin in her house he threw the condoms in. I don’t think there is much else I could possibly want to know, especially after reading a lot of the messages between them. It took a while to get through it all, and it was hard for him to be completely open and honest at first, mostly because of how shameful it is and how embarrassed he was. I can understand that, it was horrifying to hear let alone having to be the one to admit it. Our counsellor says most women ‘need to know every detail’ I am absolutely one of those.

The ‘discovery’ part was painful. Things got so hard there were a few times the hurt was so overwhelming I didn’t think I could live with it every day.   It got to the stage we even tearfully arranged a place for him to stay but when it came time for him to pack neither of us could do it, neither of us really wanted him to go. We were just trying to find a way for it to hurt less and after a few months we realised that wasn’t it.

Many people would say that’s nuts, I’m crazy and should have walked from the start. I find that strange to hear sometimes because I used to feel exactly the same way ‘Thank goodness he would never do that to me’ ‘I couldn’t live with it’ ‘We aren’t those kind of people’. In all honesty we were never ‘those people’ and he was never ever going to be ‘that guy’. I wish people could have seen us from the inside before all of this, the infection, the accident, the affair. We loved each other dearly, we were the very best of friends and felt so lucky to have had found one another, we were still passionate and excited to spend time together even after 10 years and 3 children. That’s probably why I never thought the culmination of the past 12-18 months would have meant an affair.

I knew there was a lot going on with him. I wish I knew just how much. The PTSD therapist describes these kinds of affairs as ‘self-harming’ a kind of self-destructive behaviour that helps you forget what’s really hurting. Both psychologists were not at all surprised that it ended in an affair when we described our previous 18 months. To be honest that really ticked me off at first. He had the perfect ‘excuse’; well for a long time that’s how I saw it. I was so angry and just wanted to write him off as a horrible selfish, womanising, creep of a man who had been deceiving me for our entire relationship.  But that’s not him; he is a loving husband, a wonderful father and a great friend, everyone’s favourite person. He got extremely lost and took a very selfish, self-serving and immature road to try and fix the way he was feeling. These are not excuses; I do not believe an explanation is the same as an excuse. I think you need the explanation to fully understand the behaviour. An explanation demands truth and transparency, an excuse will sugar coat the truth with only what you wish to hear. I absolutely blame him for his actions as does he, but we are not the merely the sum of our mistakes.

As for her, she is also to blame but most definitely not solely. I do believe her motivations were entirely different. I did try to contact her to clear the air because we will be seeing each other in future as we work in different departments of the same workplace. She didn’t even respond. But it was never about her, it was about him, and now it’s about us.

The days are getting easier. I used to spend entire days sometimes weeks with tears constantly running down my face. The hurt was so overwhelming. Those days don’t come nearly as often anymore. I know I can live with this, I know how much we love each other and I know we were meant to be.

I encourage women with similar stories, whether they stayed or ended up leaving (The hurt is as intense either way) to talk, you will be surprised how many women will be inspired by your story to go home and have an open and honest discussion with their husbands. Communication is key”¦ I for one am bloody glad to have my husband back and I can’t wait to move on with better communication and a stronger and deeper connection. The love has always been there xo