7 Toys You Don’t Want Your Kids Getting This Christmas

With less than a month to go until Christmas (like you need another reminder), if you’re not one of those super-organised freaks who has everything already sorted, you might be ready to start the mad dash of Christmas shopping for your kids, or other kids you need to buy for.

As parents, we all know toys can drive us batshit crazy. Whether they’re noisy, messy, dangerous or just plain irritating, we’ve all been there and had buyer’s regret.

Sometimes Santa, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and other well-meaning folk might be the ones gifting our kids the toys that drive us up the wall. Sometimes, it can even feel like they are sociopaths who do it deliberately. Whatever! Here are some of the hot toys of the moment that you should avoid if you can to preserve your sanity.

1. Hoverboards

Thanks to the popularity of the Back to the Future 30th anniversary year, these toys are one of the hottest items on Christmas lists, retailing for between $200 and $500.  Seems great, right? But this is the gift that could keep on giving, in all the wrong ways. If your kids get caught riding one off of private property, you could be up for a huge fine.

The NSW Minister for Roads, Duncan Gay, says they don’t have adequate brakes, lack lights and warning indicators. In NSW, if you’re caught riding one on the footpath, you can expect a $319 fine. Ride one on the road and it could cost you $637. You can expect other states will have similar fines. Let’s face it, how content are kids going to be to keep these things on the driveway? Unless you pay your kids insane amounts of pocket money, you’re the one who will be paying that fine.

2. Bunchems

These are spiky balls of concentrated evil. The premise looks fun enough these colourful building balls with tiny soft Velcro hooks can let your kids go crazy and create all sorts of wonderful structures. But they come with a warning to keep them away from your kids’ hair”¦for a good reason.

If these things get in your kids’ hair they will be a nightmare to get out. The internet is full of horror stories from parents who have spent many tear-soaked hours (their own plus their kids’ tears) trying to untangle these treacherous little balls from their offsprings’ hair. Because kids don’t give a single stuff about a ‘keep-these-away-from-your-hair’ warning.

A few years back when Zhu Zhu pets tiny little hamsters with wheels were all the rage, they came with a similar ‘keep-these-away-from-your-hair’ warning. So what did my then five-year-old daughter do? She ran over her head, of course. And I got to spend many hours sobbing while trying to untangle it from her scalp before giving up and cutting it free.

3. Poo Dough

This is exactly what you think it is. Dough that looks like poo. The instructions say it all: “mix and swirl the two tones of brown Poo Dough and place into poo mould to make your own poo. To make it even grosser, use the yellow Poo Dough to make kernels of corn or peanuts using the included molds. Place the Poo Dough around the house to prank family and guests. Sit back and enjoy the laughs. Poo Dough looks like the real thing but smells much  better.”

If the idea of your kids leaving realistic looking dough turds all over your house for the purposes of “hilarity” doesn’t bother you, you’re a better person than me. The dough also contains wheat, so bad news for those who need their fake craps to be gluten free.

4. Jurassic World Velociraptor Claws

Kids love dinosaurs! And these velociraptor claws can help them have the experience of being a terrifying dinosaur that maims human victims!

The marketing guff says:  “With one of the foam Velociraptor Claws on each hand, you’ll be just as scary as the razor-footed dino ever was! You’ll terrorise all the other dinos as you roam the neighbourhood with your savage Velociraptor Claws!”

However, safety experts warn that they have the ability to cause eye and facial injuries on your victims, which isn’t mentioned on the box. You’ll thank me when you don’t need facial reconstruction surgery because you didn’t buy this for your little monster.

5. Kinetic Sand

This is the work of the devil. Also known as “Magic Sand” it’s supposed to be a million kinds of fun and non-messy because it can stick together and”¦I don’t really know actually. It’s just coloured sand that does weird stuff. You can call it whatever you want, but that word “sand” in its name is exactly what it is. It’s still sand. And your kids will not contain it to the play tray. They’ll get sand everywhere. And you’ll have yet another mess to clean up, and will wish death upon whoever inflicted it on your home.

6. Toy Musical Instruments

Drums. Keyboards. Guitars. Whatever. If it’s designed to make noise, it’s a really inconsiderate gift to send into someone else’s home. If you’re buying it for a kid that’s not your own, there’s every chance you KNOW that, and that’s exactly why you’re buying it, right? Well-played. If you are childless and you do this, I hope karma catches up with you when you have your own kids and you are given every single Fisher Price musical toy ever made. Especially those ones that sing in the cutesy Mary Poppins voice. Then you will know hell.

7. Loom bands

While these reached peak insanity a year or so ago, there’s every chance you might see them heavily discounted, appealing to your inner tightarse, and you’ll buy some for the kid in your life. Pull yourself together. Slap yourself in the face. DO NOT buy these.

These are just rubber bands. Hundred and hundreds of itty bitty rubber bands. Not only are they a choking hazard for babies and toddlers, they will go everywhere and you’ll spend your life fishing them out of every crevice in your house. Even a year or so after the craze has passed, the little bands will keep reappearing, taunting you.

What presents have your kids been given that have caused you headaches and grief?