I Got 99 Problems And My Big Boobs Cause At Least 18 Of Them

Having big boobs isn’t always the jolly lark those who have average or smaller than average ones think it might be.

In fact, quite often, having big boobs can just be a pain in the arse that adds more complications to your life than you need. I mean, they might be a good place to stash money, keys, credit cards and even use as a table to prop your drink on when you’re lying on the couch. But the disadvantages often outweigh the usefulness.

Here are the some of the worst problems only girls with big boobs will understand. And I’m just a lowly D cup… I pity my sisters out there with those crazy cup sizes beyond that. The struggle is real.

1. Ironing Board Envy

There are many days you look at your ironing board (the actual ironing board, not your flat-chested sister) and feel jealous. How good would it be to get around just wearing a singlet top and not worry about smacking yourself in the face with a rogue boob?  I know that that it goes both ways and sometimes, those who don’t have big boobs envy us who do, and I’ll never understand their struggles either. I remember looking at the girls in year 7 who were stuffing their training bras with tissue paper thinking “The actual fuck do you want boobs for? Be grateful!”

2. Button-Down Shirts

A button-down shirt always seems so nice in theory. A classy, tailored look that works well if you’ve got a corporate job especially. IN THEORY. Because if you have anything more than a B cup, I’m guessing, you will either not be able to do all the buttons up, will experience gaping around your boobs, or will have random buttons popping open at the boob area throughout the day.

The other option is to wear one that looks like a shapeless sack… there is no middle ground.

3. When people ask if they are real

Of course, they are real. Why would I curse myself with this shit on purpose? I’d have been happier with a C cup. In fact, I was happier with a C cup. When I was about 14.

4. Eye contact problems

Over the years, I noticed that some people, often older, creepier members of the opposite sex, seem confused about where my eyes are when they are speaking to me and I don’t think it’s because they are all senile and can’t remember where a human being’s eyes are located.

5. No cute bras for you!

If you can actually find a bra that fits you in the first place, it is most likely it will not be a cute, fun, flirty or sexy number. You have to make do with either sports bras, or some terrifying contraption like what my Nanna used to wear to stop her boobs hanging around her knees. These bras usually come in three exciting colours: white, beige or black. You might get one in a dusty pink every now and then if you’re lucky.

6. And more bra problems…

Sometimes, you might be able to find a bra that fits, but it is a push up bra or it is padded or BOTH. In all my years on Earth, I have not worked out what the point of producing bras like this is for big busted women. I thought the point of these things was to help women who need a bit of help in the boob department to look like they have bigger boobs than they actually have. WE NEED NO HELP. These things actually make our struggles worse. I don’t need my boobs in my face. I don’t need them to be padded to look bigger so I can’t button up a shirt.

7. And even more bra problems…

Crop tops, camisoles, bralettes and all those other things are just a dream we can never imagine squeezing our norks into.

8. Strapless dresses are none of your business

Those of us with ample bosoms know better than to even contemplate wearing a strapless dress… it’s just a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. We all know that we will fall out of the fucking thing at some point. I pity any woman getting married who has big boobs because about 21523% of wedding dresses on the market are strapless.

9. Running

You should be able to go out for a jog without being fearful that you will return home with two black eyes.

10. Back pain

One of my BFFs had a breast reduction because of the pain it was causing her back, neck and shoulders. I also suffer from similar pain and it took me years to work out that my bloody boobs were a huge contributing factor. I’m not quite at the point of going under the knife yet, but sometimes, I fantasise about it.

11. Motorboating

This is one of my biggest peeves. If you have never been a victim of motorboating, either from a boyfriend, spouse or significant other, then you are a very fortunate human indeed. Some guys find it hilarious to motorboat your jugs, but the sensation of this happening gets on my tits (pun intended!) like you would not believe… I. CANNOT. STAND. IT.  See also boob honking.

12. Boob sweat

Yes, with big jugs comes another place to get sweaty. It’s gross. You need lots of tissue paper to deal with it in summer.

13. When you can’t see the TV when you’re lying down

Sometimes, lying flat on your back is not an option when you want to watch the TV because you can’t see over your own boobs.

14. They seem to attract crumbs

When you’re eating and you drop crumbs on yourself, they always land on your boobs, because they are like a balcony just meant to catch bits of food. I’m clumsy AF so I often drop food straight down my top, into my cleavage, and it only ever seems to happen in public, so I have to fish around inside my bra to get it back out. Classy.

15. Pregnancy and/or breastfeeding

You have to roll your eyes when you hear people talking about how big their boobs got during pregnancy and/or breastfeeding and how they and/or their hubby wish they could have kept them. What us bigger boobed girls get is rockmelons that turn into watermelons that might leak at any second… it is nowhere near as sexy as you’d think.

16. Tank tops with built in bras

What is this shit? If it doesn’t have an underwire, it isn’t going to defy gravity and keep the puppies in place.

17. Rogue underwires, strap marks and more

Anyone who wears a bra will often fantasise about getting home and taking the thing off because the straps are killing you, an underwire has decided to pop out and attempt to stab you to death, or the hooks on the back are digging in etc. Yeah yeah, a “well fitting bra” won’t cause you heaps of discomfort, but we all know that even the best bra will eventually conspire against you. If we could get away with going bra-less we totally would. But we can’t, so we are often encased in these horrible things for much longer than our free-boobing sisters are.

18. When you know what the future holds

I inherited my big boobs from my grandmother. She had an ample DD rack and photos of her getting around in her fitted tops in her younger days in the 1950s reveal she was smoking hot. As she got older, well into her 70s and 80s, gravity was not her friend.

Are you experiencing these #BigBoobProblems too?