55 Thoughts Whilst Doing Yoga

So I try and do the ‘right’ thing and go to Yoga a couple of times a week.

OK, it’s not full on Yoga, it’s Body Balance class, but it’s pretty hardcore just the same. I like to think it stretches me out and makes me calm, but in reality, I like to go for the 10 minute savasana at the end; laying in a dark room with soothing music playing and not being hounded by small humans really appeals to me.

You’re supposed to have a clear mind when you’re in a yoga/balance/tai chi/pilates class, focus on your breathing and just watch your body movements. But as a busy mum, I have NEVER been able to master this art.

So I thought I’d take stock of what I actually think about during my class, because there must be something important in there when I’m supposed to be thinking about nothing!

1. “Oh, this is nice. It’s quiet in here.”

2. “Check out that chick over there – I reckon she comes every day. I want her body.”

3. “Oh, we’re starting. Should’ve peed.”

4. “And we’re swaying.”

5. “Do I look like a tool? I feel like a tool.”

6. “Breathe in.”

7. “I should’ve painted my toenails, that half silver nail thing is not classy.”

8. “Follow my hand with my gaze.”

9. “I really do have nice forearms at least.”

10. “Did I put the bin out before I left? Must do that, bin day tomorrow.”

11. “Breathe out.”

12. “I wonder how many classes that chick does to look like that?”

13. “And we’re bending over.”

14. “Dear god, did I wear white undies? ‘Coz these are my cheapie leggings you can see straight through the arse when I bend over.”

15. “Is there anyone behind me?”

16. “OK, no one there. Just a mirror.”

This is not how I look at Yoga – this is how I would like to think I look at Yoga.

This is how I actually look:

17. “Wow, my bum looks big in that mirror!”

18. “Breathe in.”

19. “Downward dog, oooh that feels good.”

20. “Holy crap, I need to shave my pits! Hairiest armpits EVER.”

21. “Am I ‘dogging’ right?”

22. “Breathe out.”

23. “I forgot to take those forms in for the biggest small human. Tomorrow.”

24. “Shit, what day is it tomorrow? Don’t forget to remember that thinga-ma-jig for whats-her-name.”

25. “Breathe in. Can’t get a handle on this breathing thing…”

26. “What is she doing now? How on earth did she get her leg to bend like that?”

27. “Oooh, hubby would like it if I could bend MY leg like that!”

28. “Should’ve peed.”

29. “I don’t think I’m doing that right….oh whatever!

30. “OMG! Did that older woman just fart? I heard it…..don’t laugh!”

31. “Breathe out – but not in. Don’t inhale the old lady fart!”

32. “Do I point my foot? Why is hot chick pointing her foot? Do I burn more calories if I point my foot?”

33. “What is that on my yoga mat? Is that a booga? Oh, just perfect. Bloody kids.”

34. “And we’re sitting down.”

35. “Breathe in – but I already breathed in twice since the last time you told me to breathe in????”

36. “Child’s pose, I like this one. Can we just stay here? No?”

37. “I wonder if hot chick has kids? Bet she doesn’t. Bet she’s been here all day to look that good.”

38. “Nope, that position ain’t going to happen. How ’bout I just go back to child’s pose?”

39. “Ah, laying down. Now this is what I call a workout.”

40. “Breathe out, or in again quickly and then back out again. Headspin!”

41. “Did I hang that washing out? Everyone’s bed sheets? Crap, I forgot to remake everyone’s beds. Great, hubby will let them all go to bed just wrapped in their doonas. Ugh!”

42. “Happy baby pose – now this makes me hap….FUCK! That was me! That tiny little piss-arse excuse for a fart was me!”

..and more thoughts.

43. “Clench clench clench! Don’t let another one slip out!”

44. “Breathe in – and it smells. At least, the Nana over there had the decency not to stink out the place! Almost silent but definitely violent!”

45. “Hot chick knows I farted, now we can never be gym besties, Dammit!”

46. “I’m the un-co flatulent woman with the hairy pits and white-trash toenails. I’m not coming here again.”

47. “Breathe out.”

48. “I can’t stay for the special lay-down time now. I’ll have to do it at home – yeah right!”

49. “Dear God, please let the class finish.”

50. “I’ll sneak out while everyone’s laying with their eyes closed.”

51. “Oh, shit! Sorry hot chick! But you really shouldn’t be all splayed out like that on the floor in the dark.”

52. “OK, now everyone’s noticed me leaving ‘coz I fell over the hot chick.”

53. “Yeah yeah, Namaste. Whatev’s. Just grab your shit and go woman.”

54. “Oh my god, where’s the car? Where did I park the bloody car?”

55. “Definitely not relaxed or ‘zen’ or whatever now. But at least now I can pee!”

Namaste!