Is it time to start naming your kids after bits of furniture and other design/structural aspects of your house? It very well might be the hottest new trend.

I came across a baby name list the other day titled “Home DécorInspired Baby Names for Your Budding Creative”, and I admit that the list didn’t contain any names I immediately expected when I clicked on it. You know, home decor that I have in my actual house.

At first, I thought it was an elaborate satire piece. One of the greatest piss-takes ever written, perhaps. Then I came to realise that they were deadly serious.

It suggested naming your kid things like Sconce, for example, by claiming:

“If you need to add ambient lighting to a lackluster space, the humble wall sconce is your hardware of choice. They introduce visual interest to bland walls and reinvigorate rooms with their sweet and soft glow. Your child will light up your life and the world with this stylish moniker.”

Or how about Patina, inspired by old mouldy couches?

“If you want to master that effortless high/low look, vintage furniture is key. The pieces add an artful aesthetic and a timeless appeal with their historic look and feel. But the patina is where the true inspiration lives. There’s something impossibly cool about an accent chair with years of wear, thanks to all those good times from the days of yore packed into one piece. It sparks our imagination and begs so many questions. Give your child the same memories with a name that embodies so much history.”

It got me thinking that these names were all a bit too pretentious and out there for the average person who might want to get in on the “Household furniture and fixtures” baby name trend. I’m all about keeping it real. So I’ve put together a list that you can use instead. No need to thank me, I’m just providing a valuable community service.