Just Plain Weird Baby Accessories

So we all indulge in the odd cute headband or novelty dummy, but some of these items are best left for the grandparents to buy – if you can handle your baby being subjected to them!

Looking at them, I can’t decide whether they are ingenious or plain… strange. Don’t believe me? Well, I dare you to come and take a look at these weird baby accessories!

Weird(er) Novelty Dummies

Think plastic teeth, tongues, lips and even piercings that make your child look like they’ve been through a round of Botox and teeth whitening at the local tattoo place. Go ahead and buy one – if you’re aiming to traumatise your kid.  Start saving up now for the therapy!

Bathroom Baby Harness

We’ve all been there: you’re busting for the loo at the shopping centre and you didn’t bring the pram. You’re wearing your baby today. But surely there is a better alternative than hanging them on the back of the public toilet door?? I’m thinking asking the lady from the sushi restaurant outside the restroom would be a better alternative!

Baby Toupee

Yes, a wig. They can even be custom made to suit your babies’ colouring. Honestly, though, if an infant could talk, I think she’d prefer to be bald. I mean, imagine wearing those things: so itchy and hot! WTF are people thinking!

Themed cribs and “pods”

Birdcages, hammocks, loveseats, take your pick! Gone are the days of the good old rectangular, 4 walled, wooden cots, now you can swing your baby from a cocoon like hammock, or let them snooze in a jail-like wrought iron cage! Some people have more money than sense!

Daddy Feeders

Here’s one of the worst baby accessories ever – if you can callit that. Any device that is designed for Dads to “experience” breastfeeding is just plain wrong! It’s weird, don’t do it! Even Robert de Niro looks silly doing it.

Subliminal Programming CD’s

Yep, you can start putting pressure on your kid before they are even born! Designed to be played through headphones over a pregnant belly and then played whilst baby sleeps, these CDs are marketed to “encourage” your child to reach their full potential… as a newborn!?!?! I’m sure Mozart’s mum didn’t use such a device. And for some reason, this reminds me of being brainwashed… Not that I’ve ever been brainwashed. I think.

Designer Anything

From clothes to nappy bags, why would you spend 3 times more money on something that will get the exact same amount of spew and poo on it than the generic brand? Unless you’re swimming in money (and even this is not reason enough – at least in our humble opinion!), I think it’s not only impractical but also plain weird.

And Baby High-Heels

Infants aren’t even supposed to be wearing any kind of shoes! Okay, we’ll forgive you for buying your newborn baby that pair of bunny crib shoes because they’re totally adorable (just don’t use them all the time!), but high-heels?! Seriously?!

As Well as Baby Perfume

They say that the scent of a newborn baby – a combination of sweet baby odour and the smell of milk – is one of the best scents ever. Heck, even experts study why it is so addictive. So let’s cover up that sweet sweet scent with artificial perfume, shall we?

False Human Comfort Device

There must be nothing nicer than to wake up and feel the comfort of someone’s reassuring hands around you, keeping you safe, but if someone was to put this into their baby crib and I walked in to check on their child, I would freak out! Never mind the social implications of a chilod sleeping with life-like human limbs, these “comforting devices” are just plain weird.

Baby Stimulating Clothing

Are you kidding me? I gave up my flat stomach and perky boobs to have my kids – I’m not dressing in some concentric circle, geometric pattern, cognitive enhancing coloured shirt just to stimulate the baby and give onlookers a headache!

Pee Pee Tee-pee’s

I wish I could say this was Photoshopped, but it’s not. There’s really a cone-shaped contraption covering the genitals of the unfortunate boy.

Surprisingly, these little devices have taken on a world of their own. As the name suggests, you place a “tee-pee” over your little man’s little man to avoid sprinkling wee-wee. Seriously?? One of the best bits about having boys is the inevitable pee fountain. And you still have to ‘do something’ with the flushable tee-pee, so you might as well just grab the nearest facewasher/ wipe/ nappy/ clothing item; it’s only going to get covered in something anyway.

And A Freaking Placenta Teddy Bear

I don’t even know where to start with this one! Do people really buy this stuff? We understand placenta-keeping practices like eating and encapsulating it, but turning it into a teddy bear is not just one of the weirdest keepsakes ever but also creepy and simply disgusting.

It’s your turn to share. What weird baby accessories do you know?